Was it the right thing to do?

Do you ever find yourself asking this question? Maybe I'm having a moment of weakness and this is crazy talk because most women struggling with infertility would kill to be in my shoes, pregnant and waiting for the arrival of my bundle of joy. But were there ever a time you wondered if this was the right thing to do? 

Having to get fertility treatments means financial struggles, career sacrifices, marriage conflicts, and physical and emotional turmoil. And all this might not even lead to really having that family we dreamed of. At the end of it all, we're all left with a little less than what we started with in one form or another. Was it all worth it? Maybe I'm just being bitter at those people that can plan their pregnancy around their life and career. Those that can say, we're waiting until we are ready. 

I wasn't ready for all this at 26. You're not suppose to have early menopause and be close to ovarian failure at 26. Did I want children and a family of my own? Of course. Was I financially ready to go through surgeries and fertility treatment? No. Did I have a career that could support a family if my treatments succeeded? No. But did I want to be a mother more than anything in this world? Yes...

Now, 3 years later and 7 months pregnant, I am left scared to death about how we are going to be able to raise this baby. I couldn't be more thankful about the baby, but frankly, I'm scared to death. I already love him more than anything in this world but I am guilty of not being able to provide with things that I could have provided him if I were more prepared, if I never had the problems I had. How do I live with that?

For those mothers without a baby, I have a place deep in my heart for all of you. I know I lucked out. Not everybody does and I know many who did not that can still say it was worth every tear, pinch, poke, and penny. 

Yet now, I am asking myself... Was I too selfish in wanting to bring a child into this world that I was never meant to have naturally? Had I moved on in my life and moved on with my career instead of choosing to battle with infertility, life would have been so much easier. And if I had waited until I was financially ready for this battle, I could afford to give so much more to my child. Maybe I wouldn't succeed then because of my condition and age, but who knows? Would it have been the right thing to do instead?

I guess there is no good time to discover infertility. 

Out of my cave

Wow hasn't it been forever since my last blog entry? Yes, I retreated into my pregnancy cave... I am sorry I left everyone hanging about me, and I apologize to all my due date buddies that I abandoned. Everything felt so surreal being pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't been easy on me at all. So what has happened since my last entry?

Well, I had some spotting during the early days of the pregnancy and I was also told that baby's heartbeat was slow. Everything turned out ok in the many, many scans that I had following that one. I guess I totally went into denial about being pregnant because I was so afraid I would lose my baby. Thank goodness the spotting never returned... but... a boatload of other pregnancy symptoms did.

So basically from week 6 to... week 16... I was spending my days (and nights) in the bathroom hugging the toilet. I guess I'm one of those women that gets bad morning sickness and also gets it, I'm guessing, for 9 months. Yes, I am still throwing up once in a while. Midwife put me on Diclectin and I was on up to 8 pills a day and I was still feeling iffy. Thank goodness it has somewhat subsided and I am only on 2 pills(sometimes zero, if I feel ok) a day now, and throwing up only occasionally.

My NT scan went beautifully and the anatomy scan too. And... we are having a.... boy!! We are naming him Nathan and we truly believe that he is god's gift to us.

I won't go on and complain about all my pains and aches. Let's just say that there are a lot of symptoms of pregnancy that I didn't know existed! (For example, sneezing my head off every 5 seconds while trying to hang on to my va-j-j so the baby doesn't fall out and I don't pee myself... ok I know the baby won't really fall out but it feels like it sometimes...)

So... I am hanging on at 26 weeks, happy that I am at the viability stage and almost at the 28 week mark. This has been an incredible journey and I am so thankful that even though it is tough, I got to experience it.

Early ultrasounds - A love/hate relationship

I've been trying to stay positive since my last beta. The 2 weeks plus wait for the first ultrasound was unbearable. The ultrasound was suppose to be scheduled for 7 weeks and 1 day (12/14) but I started spotting and even found a few clots on 6 weeks and 3 days, so I called my clinic and asked for an early ultrasound.

Looking back, I think the spotting was actually not really that big of a deal. It was mostly brown and mostly only when I wiped. But of course, I overreacted and really freaked out when I saw a few black blobs that looked like clots. They were just on the tissue and maybe smaller than a pea. Again, I think I really overreacted and had ZERO sleep that night. Of course, the terrible nausea and vomiting didn't help. By the way, I've been sick all day and vomiting 1-3 times a day now! I feel like I'm not allowed to complain, but I really feel terrible.

Anyway, I had the ultrasound and more blood work. We saw one little bean measuring right on track at 6 weeks 4 days with a heart rate of 111. My beta was over 60,000 and progesterone was super high at 180.

I was initially happy... until the doctor said that 111 was kind of slow for the heartbeat. She said they like to see it above 120 at this point and I should come back in a week to see how things are. Sigh...

I played Dr. Google when I got home (of course) and read a lot of varying information. Some say between 90-110 for week 6-7, some say above 120, some say above 100. So what does this all mean??? I even read a study that said a heartbeat of 111 at 6.3-7 weeks is considered borderline and is associated with a 17% of miscarriage. Yikes...

I thought I can finally breath after all this worrying. I vowed to try to be normal again after seeing a heartbeat but I never saw this coming... I should have waited until I was 7 weeks! Seeing the lovely flicker of my baby's heart was precious but I'm so afraid that this will all go downhill...

I guess I asked for it right? ugh...

Anxiety and sadness

This is completely not what I thought getting a BFP would feel. I have been nervous the whole way through but today I felt extra emotional. I am not sure why. I feel so disconnected to the world now that I am in-between. I achieved a pregnancy, yes, but I don't feel normal. Sometimes I feel like I am dying to share my news but pull myself back. I know there are women that would give up everything to have a BFP and the possibility of a healthy pregnancy. I am sorry that I feel this way. I feel even disconnected to the IF world now. I feel like I have lost connections with women that I have previously connected to before my BFP. I feel like I betrayed them. Or maybe they just really don't want to talk to me anymore. I want to be happy but I am not. I don't want to worry but I am worrying. I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I have pulled myself away from my friends since I have been TTC. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore...

Emotions @ 13dp5dt

Woke up at 5:30am with severe nausea. Stayed in bed and snuggled with DH until 7 and we headed for the clinic for beta#2. The place was a zoo today! Waited over 30 mins just for bloodwork! The wait for the phone call was even longer! For beta #1, they called at 11am and I was ready with my cell phone in my hand at 11am sharp today. 11:00... nope... no call! 12... nope... 1... nope... I was going out of my mind. Finally, they called around 2... My hands and feet were shaking and my mind was a blank. 

My beta @13dp5dt is 915! Doubling time is 36 hours since last beta. What a relief. What a huge step. I'm so grateful yet so angry that not everyone is able to experience this. I thought about the girls that cycled with me. The ones that got their BFP and the ones that didn't. Especially the ones that didn't. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could have magical powers that let everyone get a BFP. Or better yet, I wish I had magical powers that enable all of us to get knocked up the normal way. Waves of emotions are just crashing down on me. 

Now, the next step: the viability scan. It's not until Dec 14th. Eons away! But I also got another good news today that I was accepted by a midwife at Midwives Collective. My first appointment with my midwife Leah will be on Dec 4! That's something to look forward to that will get me through the long wait. 

*whisper* The P word... sshhh

Can I say it now? I don't know! We've told close family members but has yet to mention anything to friends. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, should I focus on a good second beta before getting too excited? Or should I go google "best strollers" and make a list of baby items I want to buy? Oops, wait, I already did the latter... Funny thing is my husband actually said to me, it's Black Friday, maybe we should buy "necessities" that we will need later while they are on sale. Then he said, or maybe we can start researching and get them on Boxing Day. What!! He's too cute.

I figured "normal people" get excited as soon as they see that second line, don't they? Why can't I? Is it going to make things any easier if the worst happens if I don't get excited? Probably not... So hey, why not take advantage of my huge bloated belly and pretend I'm 20 weeks along (I kid you not!) and go browse Babies R Us?

It's so hard to open up about this "p" word! Everyone in my family seems to think this is it for me. They even have talks of twins. *oh my* I hope it all goes smoothly. I don't think I've ever been so happy yet scared in my whole life. I am just so grateful for everything, there are no words to describe.

Early Beta - 9dp5dt

Forgive the ever so creative title of this post. I am in disbelieve and shock right now! I've been getting some very uncomfortable bloating and nausea, so I emailed my nurse and she asked me to go in for an early beta. I spent almost all of yesterday googling "beta 9dp5dt" and failed to come up with a number that I would be happy with. I figured that I would only be happy with a number above 100 but it's not possible since my HPTs were coming up so faint before. I decided that I would make my peace with it if my number came back at above 50 and not freak out. Well, the wait for the phone call was long and I was going out of my mind! Here's what my FRER looked like about 6 hours before my test:

(I woke up and was wide awake at 2am and took a test.)

So... my beta @ 9dp5dt is.... *drum roll* 145!! WOW! I never thought the day would come that I'd be celebrating a high beta. I am so grateful and I hope the viability ultrasound will be alright and the rest of the pregnancy will be smooth.

Wait... I think I was getting ahead of myself... I hope my second beta will be great as well :p

PS - They cut out my estrogen and decreased my progesterone pills. Apparently, my E2 is above 10,000 and progesterone above 100. Now I only have to do the progesterone pills twice a day! Yay!