"Don't worry, you're young... it'll happen when you stop stressing out about it..."

Oh how I hate hearing this...

I feel so distant to all my friends. At this point in their lives, none of them understand what infertility means and most of them doesn't even have the desire to have children yet. It's not their fault, I understand. This is just not something that everyone has to deal with. I am surprised, however, at the lack of knowledge of how our reproduction system works as half of my friends doesn't even know what ovulation means.

How can I expect them to even begin to feel what I have to go through, if they don't even know how the reproductive system works? Ovulation, fertilization, embryos, ovaries, sperm count, fallopian tubes, egg quality, are all like a foreign language to them. It's just too much to take in, and frankly, most of them will probably never have to learn in detail what those words mean. To them, those terms will only be forgotten vocabulary from high school biology. But to us, people dealing with infertility, each and every word have burnt a scar in our hearts.

I have spoken openly about my infertility to all my friends and everyone/anyone who is interested. I have made it my mission to educate them about what infertility is. It's certainly not an easy task. Most people will sympathize with me when I tell them the amount of needles I have to stick myself with through the IVF process, as people can relate to needles and what it feels like when it pierces through our skin.

But of course, the conversation is short-lived, as most people will reply with those dreaded words, "Don't worry, you're young, it will happen" or "Don't stress out! Take a vacation with your husband and it'll happen!" Then they start to lose interest when I try to explain and educate them about infertility. It is so frustrating to me that people just don't want to be educated on the topic. Nevertheless, it will be my mission to heighten infertility awareness as I know there are people out there willing to listen.

Rockets, sky diving, and other tidbits

To say that the infertility and IVF journey is a roller coaster ride is an understatement. It really feels more like rocketing to the sky when it's a good day, and plummeting down as if you're sky diving on a bad one.

As a low responder, my first ultrasound after 4 days of stimulation brought me to new highs last Sunday. I was told at a previous baseline ultrasound that my antral follicle count(AFC) was only 8, thus leading to my aggressive antagonist protocol and max drug dosage. At my first ultrasound after stim, my AFC shot up to 22! Although this was not a promise that this many follicles would mature and the same number of eggs would be retrieved, I was ecstatic. To my dismay and sudden drop from ecstasy, two days later at my second ultrasound session, there were only 3 measurable follicles. (Along with 15 smaller ones.) I tried not to lose hope, but being shot up with crazy hormones, it was difficult! My solution: stuffed my face with pizza and chicken wings.

This didn't end my obsession to google every number, every outcome, and every detail I have about my  cycle. So to put my obsession to good use, here are some useful information that I've gathered.

My previous reading on Antral Follicle Count lead me to believe that having more was good, and that it gave me a better chance at retrieving more eggs:

Experience, however, tells me that your AFC will vary. I've read cases of girls having a AFC range of 6-25. Having a low AFC will likely mean you will get less eggs, but having a higher AFC doesn't guarantee you a basketful either... 

Your follicle count at ultrasound usually begins, 4-7 days after you begin your stimulation. From my excessive googling, I've read cases of girls at certain clinics where monitoring doesn't even begin until day 7, or some that will start as early as day 1. From what I've read in general, REs expect your follicles to gain 1-2mm per day while on your drugs. It needs to get to >15mm for them to get really excited. Having a good size follicle again, does not guarantee that it will contain a mature egg. There is a possibility that an immature one can be prompt to grow in the lab, but overly mature eggs are not good. Therefore, consistent and good size follicles are what we like to see. But the human body works in funny ways. 

At my day 7 ultrasound, only follicles >9mm made it to my chart, and I had 3. This does not seem to relate to my AFC of 22 at day 4 scan whatsoever! What else can the infertility gods throw at us?

Yes, the dreaded E2 number. Too low and you're not responding well, too high, and you're at risk for Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome (OHSS). Although low responders, meaning ladies with low ovarian reserve, are not at too much risk for this. OHSS also doesn't happen until the trigger is administered and will get worst if the transfer leads to a pregnancy. (Yes I googled that too.) A bit of bloating though is normal, as I've been feeling super bloated.

For low responders, just getting to egg retrieval is a big deal. It involves a lot of trial and error to find the protocol that you respond to best. Then, with a bit of luck, maybe we get a few to put back the oven. I've been talking to my follicles and begging them to grow. I'm not out of the woods yet... 

Ever wonder what a tummy looks like after 8 days of injections?

You would think that I would have had enough needles to last me a century... but I went in for an acupuncture appointment today. Studies have shown pregnancy rates to increase with acupuncture on the day of the egg transfer. (Studies have also shown no change in pregnancy rates with acupuncture!) Yes, it is a controversial treatment and it's not for everybody. My appointment gave me a taste of what acupuncture feels like and if this is something I would want to do on my ET day. I must say that I am skeptical. However, if there is a possibility of better success, what's there to lose? (Except hard-earned money.) I won't ever be able to say, I got my positive because of acupuncture. BUT I won't ever have to think, I could have gotten a positive if only I had done acupuncture.

We are not alone (and I don't mean aliens)

I've been trying to stay positive since we began. It is hard sometimes, I must say. I guess most people my age isn't dealing with when they will ovulate or looking forward to daily injections. (Unless they're drug addicts maybe but I don't hang around those types of course!) Heck, most people my age are probably doing the exact opposite of what I'm trying so desperately to do, which is trying NOT to get pregnant.

You'd never think that this will happen to you, until it does...

Sometimes it's hard dealing with people that doesn't understand your situation. It's hard not to have anyone to talk to about your protocol. (What the hell is a protocol?) Most people really only know how the mechanical aspects of the birds and the bees work (and by mechanical I mean, all he needs to know is where to put it in) and not the inners working of things. I'm surprised how much I know now compared to what I knew before. (But boy am I glad I paid attention in high school bio, it sure came to good use!)

I hope by keeping a blog that I'm at least educating some people out there about infertility. And what's more important is that I'm also reaching out to those who are going through the same thing and to let you know that, hey, you're not alone! Right now I'm going google-happy with anything and everything IVF related. I'm guessing that I may not be the only that's this way. (That's right ladies, don't tell me you didn't google what BFP/BFN meant)