Was it the right thing to do?

Do you ever find yourself asking this question? Maybe I'm having a moment of weakness and this is crazy talk because most women struggling with infertility would kill to be in my shoes, pregnant and waiting for the arrival of my bundle of joy. But were there ever a time you wondered if this was the right thing to do? 

Having to get fertility treatments means financial struggles, career sacrifices, marriage conflicts, and physical and emotional turmoil. And all this might not even lead to really having that family we dreamed of. At the end of it all, we're all left with a little less than what we started with in one form or another. Was it all worth it? Maybe I'm just being bitter at those people that can plan their pregnancy around their life and career. Those that can say, we're waiting until we are ready. 

I wasn't ready for all this at 26. You're not suppose to have early menopause and be close to ovarian failure at 26. Did I want children and a family of my own? Of course. Was I financially ready to go through surgeries and fertility treatment? No. Did I have a career that could support a family if my treatments succeeded? No. But did I want to be a mother more than anything in this world? Yes...

Now, 3 years later and 7 months pregnant, I am left scared to death about how we are going to be able to raise this baby. I couldn't be more thankful about the baby, but frankly, I'm scared to death. I already love him more than anything in this world but I am guilty of not being able to provide with things that I could have provided him if I were more prepared, if I never had the problems I had. How do I live with that?

For those mothers without a baby, I have a place deep in my heart for all of you. I know I lucked out. Not everybody does and I know many who did not that can still say it was worth every tear, pinch, poke, and penny. 

Yet now, I am asking myself... Was I too selfish in wanting to bring a child into this world that I was never meant to have naturally? Had I moved on in my life and moved on with my career instead of choosing to battle with infertility, life would have been so much easier. And if I had waited until I was financially ready for this battle, I could afford to give so much more to my child. Maybe I wouldn't succeed then because of my condition and age, but who knows? Would it have been the right thing to do instead?

I guess there is no good time to discover infertility. 

Anxiety and sadness

This is completely not what I thought getting a BFP would feel. I have been nervous the whole way through but today I felt extra emotional. I am not sure why. I feel so disconnected to the world now that I am in-between. I achieved a pregnancy, yes, but I don't feel normal. Sometimes I feel like I am dying to share my news but pull myself back. I know there are women that would give up everything to have a BFP and the possibility of a healthy pregnancy. I am sorry that I feel this way. I feel even disconnected to the IF world now. I feel like I have lost connections with women that I have previously connected to before my BFP. I feel like I betrayed them. Or maybe they just really don't want to talk to me anymore. I want to be happy but I am not. I don't want to worry but I am worrying. I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I have pulled myself away from my friends since I have been TTC. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore...

Purpose

Today I suddenly realized why God chose me to face my disease and infertility. Maybe infertility has a purpose for me...

I was a good child, a decent (maybe a little stubborn and strong headed) teenager. My parents and all my relatives loved me and always commented on what a good little kid I was. I've always gotten good grades at school, mostly amongst the top. I was enrolled in AP classes and felt like I was headed for the top of the world. I never felt like there was anything I couldn't achieve or get if I really put my mind to it. There were never anything that I felt like I couldn't have. I could always reason and sway my parents into giving me what I wanted, in exchange for good grades, hard work, or just being a good kid. It all made sense. To me, life meant being rewarded after putting in good effort.

Then, real life began. 

Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to be ok with things falling out of place. That trying doesn't always mean you will get what you want in return, but being strong means giving it your best and being ok with the results even if it is failure. Maybe God's harsh lesson is the only way he saw how I can learn to live a fulfilling life. Life is unfair. Nothing is ever equal. Not everyone gets what they want. But maybe this is why life is so worth living. Because when we can't have everything we want, that only makes us cherish what we have even more.

New normal

I can't remember the last time I felt normal and whole. How do I stop myself from thinking about babies and fertility treatments? IF has consumed so much of my life that I've stopped living it for anything else. How do I stop thinking about something that is that such a big part of who I am? How do I accept it and let go?

The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...

This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.

Where did you see yourself?

Where did you see yourself today, 10 years ago?

I've never thought that I wouldn't be a mother. There was never anything more that I wanted to be even as a young girl. But now I see that it may never be in the cards for me. What will life be like for a forever family of two?

I've realized that my prayers have changed. It used to be that I prayed for a child. Now, I am praying for the strength to be ok with whatever comes my way. There's a saying that, "it will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." It's not that I want this to be the end, I just want it to be ok.

Getting back on the roller coaster... Maybe?

So much has happened since my last epic IVF failure... It's only been 2 months, but I've had to deal with my last IVF failure, move to a new town due to DH getting a new job, apartment search, take my CMA entrance exam, plus deal with the recent passing of my grandfather. Looking at me the past 2 months, I was a total wreck. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I cried about my endo, I cried about my IVF failures, I cried about the stress of writing my exam, I cried about not being able to be with my grandfather when he passed away. I couldn't deal. Miraculously, it was my grandfather that gave me back the strength to be normal again.

My grandfather, who lived on the other side of the country, was dying of kidney failure and it was only days until the inevitable. I was dealing with my recent IVF failure and was registered to write my accounting exam just a week after I heard the news. I was devastated to say the least. Sulking, crying, and blaming the world for my woes did nothing. I didn't stop to think about my options to defer or change my test location so I can be with my family. When I got myself together enough to make logical decisions, my grandfather had already past away. Not being able to be with him in his last hours will be something I will regret until the day I die. I wasn't thinking straight. However, I managed to get my act together, change my test location, and fly over to be with my family for his funeral. I broke down as I went home and saw my grandmother sitting in my grandfather's leather chair.

It was the 3 weeks I spent in Vancouver that changed me. Being used to living away from family, being with family after so much has happened was like rain after a long harsh draught. I saw grandpa resting peacefully before he was cremated and it gave me peace, even though it still hurt to lose him. Everyone coming together in a difficult time gave me the strength to be the stronger person. And because my grandmother needed me more, I needed to get back up. So in a way, I've been blessed. I thank my grandpa for it, and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.


So after 2 months of completely blocking out having infertility treatments from my mind (almost completely... I still do the I-wish-that-was-my-baby-thing whenever I see a lady with a stroller), we've finally went in for a consultation with a new clinic - Mount Sinai. I was nervous, excited, ready to vomit. But despite the anxiety, I mustered up enough strength to actually go to my consultation.

Despite my worst fears, the doctor did not say that I had zero chance of getting pregnant or that I should consider egg donors, but she was willing to investigate the extent of my poor ovarian reserve and maybe try a new protocol. I was also worried about a fluid-filled tube and she was very proactive about it and is also investigating the problem. She ordered AMH to be tested and a second u/s to investigate my tubes. She does believe that my endometriosis is the main cause of my poor egg quality, but thinks that maybe drug dosage and the amount of HSG given to me at trigger also had something to do with my poor egg quality/low number of mature eggs retrieved. She gave me options about what to do with my hydrosalphix and depending on the results of my AMH test, she has a couple of plans of action in mind.

Sounds promising... but I'm not sure what to think of all this. Getting back on the roller coaster is definitely hard but having to live with the fact that I will be child-less for the rest of my life is harder. After my last failure, I was SURE that I wouldn't be ready to try another cycle until next year or perhaps never... I am also booked for a first consultation at yet another clinic, Hannam Fertility, for late August. So until I get my test results and meet with another doctor for a second (third?) opinion... I will settle with being conservatively optimistic!

Taking a step back

Sometimes it feel likes infertility rips my soul from my body and leaves me a disfigured shell of a human being. My soul dangles and clouds over my life as I watch everyone else pass by while I'm trapped waiting behind glass doors. I envision my future but it's just that, a distance dream. Today, I took a step back and I realized that I've started to forget all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I'm luckiest girl alive to still have them.

To my wonderful husband who has stood by me through thick and thin. I never thought I'd be so lucky to have someone that understands me with just a look. Someone who could finish my sentence and someone who puts up with my insanity. It doesn't  matter what fate throws in our way because in the end, you're my family, you and me. And that's all I need.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me