CD6
I started quarter dose Cetrotide in the morning. My LH went from 3 to 5 today so I was told to use half dose of cetrotide tomorrow. Being a control freak, of course I googled what normal LH levels are and I think it's not called a surge until >20, so I think I'll stop thinking about that.
Follicles: Happy report today! The big one still grew. It is now at 16. But I now have 5 little guys, 3 at 11, and 2 at 10! It's a little depressing to think that I got so excited over 5 measly follicles, but this may be the max amount my body will ever make!
E2: 3200
CD7
Can you say growth spurt? I don't know how it happened, but my follicles are now measured: 19mm, 16, 14, 14, 14, and 10. Unfortunately still the same 6, so I probably won't be expecting any more to pop up. But how did one grow from 11mm to 16mm in one night? That's a bit crazy. This is only CD7 and in the past, I wasn't even close to the 15mm mark. I had maybe 1 at 12mm or 13mm at this stage. I seem to be stimming fast this time. I stimmed for 11-12 days in the past. Is this a good thing? It's weird how a different protocol can change things. I'm not sure what to think... Having maybe only 4 or 5 to work with is making me super nervous...
E2: 4200
One day at a time, I guess... Let's hope I survive another ultrasound tomorrow...
Friday, 2 November 2012
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
The stress of cycling...
I never imagined that this cycle would be so stressful. With 2 cycles behind me, I thought I've seen the worst. I never had trouble during the stimming phase even though things moved along slowly. After all this, I thought the nervousness and hair-pulling won't start until after the retrieval.
But IVF has thrown me a new kind of worry. Despite everything looking so great before the start of my cycle with the excellent AFC and cyst gone, I seemed to have developed a lead follicle. My old clinic didn't have me go in for monitoring until CD5, but this time, I am being monitored daily from CD4.
CD4
So at my first scan, I had one dominant follicle already at 14mm. (What 14? CD4?) Yup... Weird! The only other measurable follicle was at 10. However, I seem to have lots of little ones, a total of 14 little ones they tell me. My estrogen is at 1182, which means that something is growing... hopefully...
CD5
Lead follicle grew to 15! Ick! Two follicles beside that one: one at 10 and one at 9. The count of smaller follicles grew by 1 to 15. I have no idea of their size. I am starting to freak out. My estrogen is at 2226 today, which the nurse seemed to be happy with. She also reassured me that it does look like some follicles will be popping up soon. I will also be starting the antagonist, Cetrotide, quarter dose, tomorrow morning to prevent ovulation.
Comparing with my previous 2 cycles:
My previous first scans were on CD5. In the first cycle, I had 1 follicle at 9mm and that was it. The second cycle, I had nothing on CD5! Things didn't really start to come in until CD9! So technically, I'm seeing more follicles this cycle than I've ever seen before.
I don't know why I'm so bothered by this dominant follicle crap. I was never worried about the risk of cancelling in the first 2 cycles when things looked worst. Maybe it's just the stress of the cycle being the third one. Maybe I just want this too badly. I'm trying to act like I'd be ok with another cancellation or no transfer... but it's hard. I wish I can just turn off my brain for a week and be like a robot.
More bloodwork and ultrasound for the week to come...!
But IVF has thrown me a new kind of worry. Despite everything looking so great before the start of my cycle with the excellent AFC and cyst gone, I seemed to have developed a lead follicle. My old clinic didn't have me go in for monitoring until CD5, but this time, I am being monitored daily from CD4.
CD4
So at my first scan, I had one dominant follicle already at 14mm. (What 14? CD4?) Yup... Weird! The only other measurable follicle was at 10. However, I seem to have lots of little ones, a total of 14 little ones they tell me. My estrogen is at 1182, which means that something is growing... hopefully...
CD5
Lead follicle grew to 15! Ick! Two follicles beside that one: one at 10 and one at 9. The count of smaller follicles grew by 1 to 15. I have no idea of their size. I am starting to freak out. My estrogen is at 2226 today, which the nurse seemed to be happy with. She also reassured me that it does look like some follicles will be popping up soon. I will also be starting the antagonist, Cetrotide, quarter dose, tomorrow morning to prevent ovulation.
Comparing with my previous 2 cycles:
My previous first scans were on CD5. In the first cycle, I had 1 follicle at 9mm and that was it. The second cycle, I had nothing on CD5! Things didn't really start to come in until CD9! So technically, I'm seeing more follicles this cycle than I've ever seen before.
I don't know why I'm so bothered by this dominant follicle crap. I was never worried about the risk of cancelling in the first 2 cycles when things looked worst. Maybe it's just the stress of the cycle being the third one. Maybe I just want this too badly. I'm trying to act like I'd be ok with another cancellation or no transfer... but it's hard. I wish I can just turn off my brain for a week and be like a robot.
More bloodwork and ultrasound for the week to come...!
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Here goes again... #3
I can't believe this is all happening again!
It felt like I have been preparing for this cycle FOREVER. The BCPs took forever to finish, and the week between my last BCP and first injection felt like a whole year. All in all, I am happy that this is finally happening again, but of course I am nervous about what's around the corner.
My baseline report was fair. OFC actually never did a baseline for me so this is the first cycle out of 3 that I am getting this info.
AFC: 13 (10 on right, 3 on left)
E2: 210
Lining is right where it's suppose to be at this point
I have only gotten my AFC counted once, and that number was 8. Needless to say, I am happy with 13. But I am still scared that this is setting me up for a big disappointment. My E2 level is quite high. At this point, 200 and below would be acceptable and I am just over that line. I was given the go ahead to start, so I guess I will *try* not to freak out too much until my next appointment.
Here's what's going on with me today: second day of injections, topped with bloating and a side of weird twinges here and there. Warning: Emotional stability not guaranteed.
Friday, 28 September 2012
Purpose
Today I suddenly realized why God chose me to face my disease and infertility. Maybe infertility has a purpose for me...
I was a good child, a decent (maybe a little stubborn and strong headed) teenager. My parents and all my relatives loved me and always commented on what a good little kid I was. I've always gotten good grades at school, mostly amongst the top. I was enrolled in AP classes and felt like I was headed for the top of the world. I never felt like there was anything I couldn't achieve or get if I really put my mind to it. There were never anything that I felt like I couldn't have. I could always reason and sway my parents into giving me what I wanted, in exchange for good grades, hard work, or just being a good kid. It all made sense. To me, life meant being rewarded after putting in good effort.
Then, real life began.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to be ok with things falling out of place. That trying doesn't always mean you will get what you want in return, but being strong means giving it your best and being ok with the results even if it is failure. Maybe God's harsh lesson is the only way he saw how I can learn to live a fulfilling life. Life is unfair. Nothing is ever equal. Not everyone gets what they want. But maybe this is why life is so worth living. Because when we can't have everything we want, that only makes us cherish what we have even more.
Monday, 24 September 2012
New normal
I can't remember the last time I felt normal and whole. How do I stop myself from thinking about babies and fertility treatments? IF has consumed so much of my life that I've stopped living it for anything else. How do I stop thinking about something that is that such a big part of who I am? How do I accept it and let go?
The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...
This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.
The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...
This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Where did you see yourself?
Where did you see yourself today, 10 years ago?
I've never thought that I wouldn't be a mother. There was never anything more that I wanted to be even as a young girl. But now I see that it may never be in the cards for me. What will life be like for a forever family of two?
I've realized that my prayers have changed. It used to be that I prayed for a child. Now, I am praying for the strength to be ok with whatever comes my way. There's a saying that, "it will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." It's not that I want this to be the end, I just want it to be ok.
I've never thought that I wouldn't be a mother. There was never anything more that I wanted to be even as a young girl. But now I see that it may never be in the cards for me. What will life be like for a forever family of two?
I've realized that my prayers have changed. It used to be that I prayed for a child. Now, I am praying for the strength to be ok with whatever comes my way. There's a saying that, "it will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." It's not that I want this to be the end, I just want it to be ok.
Monday, 10 September 2012
Uncertainty and sleepless nights
After a long 5 months, my IVF journey #3 will be coming up very soon. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I've now met with 2 different doctors not at Ottawa Fertility for a second and third opinion. I had my AMH tested twice, 14.7 pmol/L and 16 pmol/L. Both times at the lower end of normal, but amazing for someone who has such extensive endo and it is still considered normal. So I DO have lots of eggs left... I guess this is somewhat of a comfort. DH's sperm is normal, fragmentation at 22%, which is fair. So basically, all these tests point that everything should have been perfect and does not explain whatsoever why my embryos don't fertilize/grow. Of the 2 cycles I did, I had retrieved a total of 16 eggs of which only 3 fertilized and 1 transferred on day 3. Horrible for a 27 year old. What's going on?
After meeting with Dr. Arthur and Mount Sinai and Dr. Hannam at Hannam Fertility Clinic, I've decided to cycle again with Dr. Hannam. He was so great at looking at my file thoroughly and both DH and I just loved him. We discussed lowering doses and doing a completely new protocol. With lowered doses, we're really hoping to get better quality eggs. I just hope I respond to the stimulation. Expecting to call in CD1 this week. Our treatment plan will be:
PROTOCOL: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle Down Regulation: Alesse x 3-7 weeks with endometrial biopsy
Starting Dose: Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75 Add: Lthyroxine 50mcg/day until preg test
Cycle LH Inhibitor: Cetrotide 62.5 to 125 mcg/d
Ovulation Trigger: Ovidrel/HCG x2 sources with 450 IU push prn. Fleet enema prn
Retrieval Day: Standard anaesthesia protocol: fentanyl, midazolam, xylocaine & atropine PRN.
Add serum TSH, T4
Post-Retrieval Day: Prometrium 200mg PV TID with Estrace 2mg PV BID
Male Instructions: 2-4 days of abstinence before expected day of retrieval
LABORATORY INSTRUCTIONS (Lifequest) Fertilization of Eggs: ICSI with fresh sperm SPINDLE VIEW please Assisted Hatching: Yes
Extra Testing: None Plan to Transfer: two embryos on Day 3 or 5 TRANSFER INSTRUCTIONS Pre-Transfer Day: Routine Care
Transfer Day: Full-bladder ultrasound guided embryo transfer. PIO 50mg IM x 1 dose 1 hour prior to transfer
Post Transfer: Serum estrogen, progesterone
My chances seem grim. I'm not sure how I feel about this next cycle. Not sure what I should expect. Maybe I should expect yet another zero fertilization, because that's the worst that could happen. This cycle just may tell us once and for all, if we should even continue down this path. I've been losing a lot of sleep.
New clinic, new doctor, new protocol, new hope? But the shadow of my last two cycles still haunt me.
I've now met with 2 different doctors not at Ottawa Fertility for a second and third opinion. I had my AMH tested twice, 14.7 pmol/L and 16 pmol/L. Both times at the lower end of normal, but amazing for someone who has such extensive endo and it is still considered normal. So I DO have lots of eggs left... I guess this is somewhat of a comfort. DH's sperm is normal, fragmentation at 22%, which is fair. So basically, all these tests point that everything should have been perfect and does not explain whatsoever why my embryos don't fertilize/grow. Of the 2 cycles I did, I had retrieved a total of 16 eggs of which only 3 fertilized and 1 transferred on day 3. Horrible for a 27 year old. What's going on?
After meeting with Dr. Arthur and Mount Sinai and Dr. Hannam at Hannam Fertility Clinic, I've decided to cycle again with Dr. Hannam. He was so great at looking at my file thoroughly and both DH and I just loved him. We discussed lowering doses and doing a completely new protocol. With lowered doses, we're really hoping to get better quality eggs. I just hope I respond to the stimulation. Expecting to call in CD1 this week. Our treatment plan will be:
PROTOCOL: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle Down Regulation: Alesse x 3-7 weeks with endometrial biopsy
Starting Dose: Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75 Add: Lthyroxine 50mcg/day until preg test
Cycle LH Inhibitor: Cetrotide 62.5 to 125 mcg/d
Ovulation Trigger: Ovidrel/HCG x2 sources with 450 IU push prn. Fleet enema prn
Retrieval Day: Standard anaesthesia protocol: fentanyl, midazolam, xylocaine & atropine PRN.
Add serum TSH, T4
Post-Retrieval Day: Prometrium 200mg PV TID with Estrace 2mg PV BID
Male Instructions: 2-4 days of abstinence before expected day of retrieval
LABORATORY INSTRUCTIONS (Lifequest) Fertilization of Eggs: ICSI with fresh sperm SPINDLE VIEW please Assisted Hatching: Yes
Extra Testing: None Plan to Transfer: two embryos on Day 3 or 5 TRANSFER INSTRUCTIONS Pre-Transfer Day: Routine Care
Transfer Day: Full-bladder ultrasound guided embryo transfer. PIO 50mg IM x 1 dose 1 hour prior to transfer
Post Transfer: Serum estrogen, progesterone
My chances seem grim. I'm not sure how I feel about this next cycle. Not sure what I should expect. Maybe I should expect yet another zero fertilization, because that's the worst that could happen. This cycle just may tell us once and for all, if we should even continue down this path. I've been losing a lot of sleep.
New clinic, new doctor, new protocol, new hope? But the shadow of my last two cycles still haunt me.
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