Anxiety and sadness

This is completely not what I thought getting a BFP would feel. I have been nervous the whole way through but today I felt extra emotional. I am not sure why. I feel so disconnected to the world now that I am in-between. I achieved a pregnancy, yes, but I don't feel normal. Sometimes I feel like I am dying to share my news but pull myself back. I know there are women that would give up everything to have a BFP and the possibility of a healthy pregnancy. I am sorry that I feel this way. I feel even disconnected to the IF world now. I feel like I have lost connections with women that I have previously connected to before my BFP. I feel like I betrayed them. Or maybe they just really don't want to talk to me anymore. I want to be happy but I am not. I don't want to worry but I am worrying. I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I have pulled myself away from my friends since I have been TTC. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore...

Emotions @ 13dp5dt

Woke up at 5:30am with severe nausea. Stayed in bed and snuggled with DH until 7 and we headed for the clinic for beta#2. The place was a zoo today! Waited over 30 mins just for bloodwork! The wait for the phone call was even longer! For beta #1, they called at 11am and I was ready with my cell phone in my hand at 11am sharp today. 11:00... nope... no call! 12... nope... 1... nope... I was going out of my mind. Finally, they called around 2... My hands and feet were shaking and my mind was a blank. 

My beta @13dp5dt is 915! Doubling time is 36 hours since last beta. What a relief. What a huge step. I'm so grateful yet so angry that not everyone is able to experience this. I thought about the girls that cycled with me. The ones that got their BFP and the ones that didn't. Especially the ones that didn't. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could have magical powers that let everyone get a BFP. Or better yet, I wish I had magical powers that enable all of us to get knocked up the normal way. Waves of emotions are just crashing down on me. 

Now, the next step: the viability scan. It's not until Dec 14th. Eons away! But I also got another good news today that I was accepted by a midwife at Midwives Collective. My first appointment with my midwife Leah will be on Dec 4! That's something to look forward to that will get me through the long wait. 

*whisper* The P word... sshhh

Can I say it now? I don't know! We've told close family members but has yet to mention anything to friends. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, should I focus on a good second beta before getting too excited? Or should I go google "best strollers" and make a list of baby items I want to buy? Oops, wait, I already did the latter... Funny thing is my husband actually said to me, it's Black Friday, maybe we should buy "necessities" that we will need later while they are on sale. Then he said, or maybe we can start researching and get them on Boxing Day. What!! He's too cute.

I figured "normal people" get excited as soon as they see that second line, don't they? Why can't I? Is it going to make things any easier if the worst happens if I don't get excited? Probably not... So hey, why not take advantage of my huge bloated belly and pretend I'm 20 weeks along (I kid you not!) and go browse Babies R Us?

It's so hard to open up about this "p" word! Everyone in my family seems to think this is it for me. They even have talks of twins. *oh my* I hope it all goes smoothly. I don't think I've ever been so happy yet scared in my whole life. I am just so grateful for everything, there are no words to describe.

Early Beta - 9dp5dt

Forgive the ever so creative title of this post. I am in disbelieve and shock right now! I've been getting some very uncomfortable bloating and nausea, so I emailed my nurse and she asked me to go in for an early beta. I spent almost all of yesterday googling "beta 9dp5dt" and failed to come up with a number that I would be happy with. I figured that I would only be happy with a number above 100 but it's not possible since my HPTs were coming up so faint before. I decided that I would make my peace with it if my number came back at above 50 and not freak out. Well, the wait for the phone call was long and I was going out of my mind! Here's what my FRER looked like about 6 hours before my test:

(I woke up and was wide awake at 2am and took a test.)

So... my beta @ 9dp5dt is.... *drum roll* 145!! WOW! I never thought the day would come that I'd be celebrating a high beta. I am so grateful and I hope the viability ultrasound will be alright and the rest of the pregnancy will be smooth.

Wait... I think I was getting ahead of myself... I hope my second beta will be great as well :p

PS - They cut out my estrogen and decreased my progesterone pills. Apparently, my E2 is above 10,000 and progesterone above 100. Now I only have to do the progesterone pills twice a day! Yay!

6dp6dt - BFP... I think?

This is going to sound so strange!
I peed on today's stick wrong and initially, it had no line and no dark space going across the window like you usually get... I think I didn't get enough urine on it... So I waited a few minutes and there it is! The second line! This is what it looked like about 5 minutes after the test: (today's test is the one not yet labelled...)

So I figured, ok so even though I may not have gotten enough urine on it, it probably worked? After all, it shouldn't register a positive when there is no hcg in the pee...

After about 2 hours, the test looked like this:

It got so dark!! But I'm only 6dp5dt. Twins maybe? Or faulty test? Either way... I hate myself for not peeing on a stick right! LOL...

I've called the midwife as I want in but I know the waiting list is crazy! I hope everything will be alright. 8 days until beta... I can't believe my clinic makes us wait so long.. ARGH!!

Glimpse of hope - 5dp5dt?

Ok... I have to say that I officially HATE the dollar store tests now... Never again... I thought I'd test out my trigger(especially because I had 2 shots of Ovidrel) so if I get 2 lines, I will know it's a real BFP. Being cheap, I opted for the dollar store tests and I tested negative 3dp5dt and 4dp5dt.

So today is 5dp5dt and I thought I'd break out the good stuff and used a First Response. Well, behold!!!  2 lines!! Faint second line but definitely there, no question. I started crying and showed it to my husband who wonderfully pointed out that I should test with the dollar store one and if there is a line on that test, then he will officially believe I am pregnant. So I had some pee left and tested again with the cheapie... and... no line! (Well, maybe a ghost line but I wasn't entirely convinced that it was there...)

So what is it? Real BFP on the FRER or trigger shot still in the system picked up by the FRER but not the cheapie? Oh the torture!!! I want to be happy but I can't cause I don't really entirely believe it... I'm 12 days past my trigger shot today but I had 2 shots so has it left my system? Don't know...

*Frustrated groan*

4dp5dt - BFN

Yes, I was super positive this cycle and yes, it's still early... but sigh... these BFNs hurt... I was hoping my luck would last and that I would be one of those lucky girls that would test positive really early so I can start celebrating... but of course... it's me! Nothing that good ever happens to me. The cycle probably just looked really good so that my BFN can be just the more disappointing. That sounds more like something that would happen to me. I'm just allowing myself to be really negative for a moment...

Back to being positive... Well, I used a cheap dollar store (Pro care brand) test and maybe it's just not that sensitive! (it says sensitivity of 25 but can you really trust something for a dollar?) So I will start using my FRERs tomorrow. (Maybe tonight... lol)