Taking a step back

Sometimes it feel likes infertility rips my soul from my body and leaves me a disfigured shell of a human being. My soul dangles and clouds over my life as I watch everyone else pass by while I'm trapped waiting behind glass doors. I envision my future but it's just that, a distance dream. Today, I took a step back and I realized that I've started to forget all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I'm luckiest girl alive to still have them.

To my wonderful husband who has stood by me through thick and thin. I never thought I'd be so lucky to have someone that understands me with just a look. Someone who could finish my sentence and someone who puts up with my insanity. It doesn't  matter what fate throws in our way because in the end, you're my family, you and me. And that's all I need.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Summary of IVF#1

I feel the need to "summarize" everything that I've been through including the protocol and meds I took, just so I will have this information for myself to reflect on. Perhaps other people may find it interest as well. I guess this is also my way of dealing, closure if you will.


IVF#1 (Nov 2011 - Jan 2012)
Miscarried at 5/6 weeks

Goodbye my little baby~ I wish we could still be together. I wish I could have heard your heart beat. But God had other plans for you. You will be missed. 

Protocol: Antagonist (Patch priming)
Meds:
   Pre-Stim:
     - Estrogen patch: No problem sticking to skin, no side effects felt
     - Orgalutran: Small needle, easy to inject, no burning once I learned how to inject properly
   Stim:
     - 400iu Puregon: Injection by puregon pen, easy to prepare, not too much burning with ice before shot
     - 75iu Repronex: Mixing it was a bit of a hassle, very easy once I got used to it, burns a little after injecting
    # Days of Stimulation: 11 Follicle Count/Size Before Trigger: 3-4 at >17mm, Many smaller ones around 15mm Eggs Retrieved: 10 Mature Eggs: 5 (4 usable, 1 abnormal) Fertilized: 3 (But 2 stopped growing before day 3) Transfered: 1 Day 3 embryo, 8 cell excellent grade Lining: 12mm on day of transfer  Acupuncture: Day of transfer only - once before transfer, and once after
Betas  #1 - 13dp3dt: 11  #2 - 19dp3dt: 324 (Started heavy bleeding)  #3 - 20dp3dt: 157 (Continued bleeding)  #4 - 24dp3dt: 27 (Continued light bleeding)  #5 - 30dp3dt: Not sure yet but probably back to zero

I know I started my first cycle pretty optimistic. It's probably the way all first timers feel. However, the reality is that this is not going to work the first time for everybody. The hardest part about my first cycle was that it ended in miscarriage. Honestly, I'm still coping. This cycle really brought me down to earth about my expectations and it was a hard kick in the ass reality check. The next round will hopefully be easier now I know what to expect. It won't be less stressful but I hope to cycle again soon and I will not give up! "It will be ok in the end! If it's not ok, it's not the end!" - Oprah

What else can I say about my first cycle? Well, Beans is sure happy that he's going to stay an only child (fur-child) for a while. I know he's smirking behind my back....