Purpose

Today I suddenly realized why God chose me to face my disease and infertility. Maybe infertility has a purpose for me...

I was a good child, a decent (maybe a little stubborn and strong headed) teenager. My parents and all my relatives loved me and always commented on what a good little kid I was. I've always gotten good grades at school, mostly amongst the top. I was enrolled in AP classes and felt like I was headed for the top of the world. I never felt like there was anything I couldn't achieve or get if I really put my mind to it. There were never anything that I felt like I couldn't have. I could always reason and sway my parents into giving me what I wanted, in exchange for good grades, hard work, or just being a good kid. It all made sense. To me, life meant being rewarded after putting in good effort.

Then, real life began. 

Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to be ok with things falling out of place. That trying doesn't always mean you will get what you want in return, but being strong means giving it your best and being ok with the results even if it is failure. Maybe God's harsh lesson is the only way he saw how I can learn to live a fulfilling life. Life is unfair. Nothing is ever equal. Not everyone gets what they want. But maybe this is why life is so worth living. Because when we can't have everything we want, that only makes us cherish what we have even more.

New normal

I can't remember the last time I felt normal and whole. How do I stop myself from thinking about babies and fertility treatments? IF has consumed so much of my life that I've stopped living it for anything else. How do I stop thinking about something that is that such a big part of who I am? How do I accept it and let go?

The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...

This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.

Where did you see yourself?

Where did you see yourself today, 10 years ago?

I've never thought that I wouldn't be a mother. There was never anything more that I wanted to be even as a young girl. But now I see that it may never be in the cards for me. What will life be like for a forever family of two?

I've realized that my prayers have changed. It used to be that I prayed for a child. Now, I am praying for the strength to be ok with whatever comes my way. There's a saying that, "it will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." It's not that I want this to be the end, I just want it to be ok.

Uncertainty and sleepless nights

After a long 5 months, my IVF journey #3 will be coming up very soon. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I've now met with 2 different doctors not at Ottawa Fertility for a second and third opinion. I had my AMH tested twice, 14.7 pmol/L and 16 pmol/L. Both times at the lower end of normal, but amazing for someone who has such extensive endo and it is still considered normal. So I DO have lots of eggs left... I guess this is somewhat of a comfort. DH's sperm is normal, fragmentation at 22%, which is fair. So basically, all these tests point that everything should have been perfect and does not explain whatsoever why my embryos don't fertilize/grow. Of the 2 cycles I did, I had retrieved a total of 16 eggs of which only 3 fertilized and 1 transferred on day 3. Horrible for a 27 year old. What's going on?

After meeting with Dr. Arthur and Mount Sinai and Dr. Hannam at Hannam Fertility Clinic, I've decided to cycle again with Dr. Hannam. He was so great at looking at my file thoroughly and both DH and I just loved him. We discussed lowering doses and doing a completely new protocol. With lowered doses, we're really hoping to get better quality eggs. I just hope I respond to the stimulation. Expecting to call in CD1 this week. Our treatment plan will be:

PROTOCOL: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle Down Regulation: Alesse x 3-7 weeks with endometrial biopsy
Starting Dose: Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75 Add: Lthyroxine 50mcg/day until preg test
Cycle LH Inhibitor: Cetrotide 62.5 to 125 mcg/d
Ovulation Trigger: Ovidrel/HCG x2 sources with 450 IU push prn. Fleet enema prn
Retrieval Day: Standard anaesthesia protocol: fentanyl, midazolam, xylocaine & atropine PRN.
Add serum TSH, T4
Post-Retrieval Day: Prometrium 200mg PV TID with Estrace 2mg PV BID
Male Instructions: 2-4 days of abstinence before expected day of retrieval
LABORATORY INSTRUCTIONS (Lifequest) Fertilization of Eggs: ICSI with fresh sperm SPINDLE VIEW please Assisted Hatching: Yes
Extra Testing: None Plan to Transfer: two embryos on Day 3 or 5 TRANSFER INSTRUCTIONS Pre-Transfer Day: Routine Care
Transfer Day: Full-bladder ultrasound guided embryo transfer. PIO 50mg IM x 1 dose 1 hour prior to transfer
Post Transfer: Serum estrogen, progesterone

My chances seem grim. I'm not sure how I feel about this next cycle. Not sure what I should expect. Maybe I should expect yet another zero fertilization, because that's the worst that could happen. This cycle just may tell us once and for all, if we should even continue down this path. I've been losing a lot of sleep.

New clinic, new doctor, new protocol, new hope? But the shadow of my last two cycles still haunt me.