Was it the right thing to do?

Do you ever find yourself asking this question? Maybe I'm having a moment of weakness and this is crazy talk because most women struggling with infertility would kill to be in my shoes, pregnant and waiting for the arrival of my bundle of joy. But were there ever a time you wondered if this was the right thing to do? 

Having to get fertility treatments means financial struggles, career sacrifices, marriage conflicts, and physical and emotional turmoil. And all this might not even lead to really having that family we dreamed of. At the end of it all, we're all left with a little less than what we started with in one form or another. Was it all worth it? Maybe I'm just being bitter at those people that can plan their pregnancy around their life and career. Those that can say, we're waiting until we are ready. 

I wasn't ready for all this at 26. You're not suppose to have early menopause and be close to ovarian failure at 26. Did I want children and a family of my own? Of course. Was I financially ready to go through surgeries and fertility treatment? No. Did I have a career that could support a family if my treatments succeeded? No. But did I want to be a mother more than anything in this world? Yes...

Now, 3 years later and 7 months pregnant, I am left scared to death about how we are going to be able to raise this baby. I couldn't be more thankful about the baby, but frankly, I'm scared to death. I already love him more than anything in this world but I am guilty of not being able to provide with things that I could have provided him if I were more prepared, if I never had the problems I had. How do I live with that?

For those mothers without a baby, I have a place deep in my heart for all of you. I know I lucked out. Not everybody does and I know many who did not that can still say it was worth every tear, pinch, poke, and penny. 

Yet now, I am asking myself... Was I too selfish in wanting to bring a child into this world that I was never meant to have naturally? Had I moved on in my life and moved on with my career instead of choosing to battle with infertility, life would have been so much easier. And if I had waited until I was financially ready for this battle, I could afford to give so much more to my child. Maybe I wouldn't succeed then because of my condition and age, but who knows? Would it have been the right thing to do instead?

I guess there is no good time to discover infertility. 

Out of my cave

Wow hasn't it been forever since my last blog entry? Yes, I retreated into my pregnancy cave... I am sorry I left everyone hanging about me, and I apologize to all my due date buddies that I abandoned. Everything felt so surreal being pregnant and this pregnancy hasn't been easy on me at all. So what has happened since my last entry?

Well, I had some spotting during the early days of the pregnancy and I was also told that baby's heartbeat was slow. Everything turned out ok in the many, many scans that I had following that one. I guess I totally went into denial about being pregnant because I was so afraid I would lose my baby. Thank goodness the spotting never returned... but... a boatload of other pregnancy symptoms did.

So basically from week 6 to... week 16... I was spending my days (and nights) in the bathroom hugging the toilet. I guess I'm one of those women that gets bad morning sickness and also gets it, I'm guessing, for 9 months. Yes, I am still throwing up once in a while. Midwife put me on Diclectin and I was on up to 8 pills a day and I was still feeling iffy. Thank goodness it has somewhat subsided and I am only on 2 pills(sometimes zero, if I feel ok) a day now, and throwing up only occasionally.

My NT scan went beautifully and the anatomy scan too. And... we are having a.... boy!! We are naming him Nathan and we truly believe that he is god's gift to us.

I won't go on and complain about all my pains and aches. Let's just say that there are a lot of symptoms of pregnancy that I didn't know existed! (For example, sneezing my head off every 5 seconds while trying to hang on to my va-j-j so the baby doesn't fall out and I don't pee myself... ok I know the baby won't really fall out but it feels like it sometimes...)

So... I am hanging on at 26 weeks, happy that I am at the viability stage and almost at the 28 week mark. This has been an incredible journey and I am so thankful that even though it is tough, I got to experience it.