Early ultrasounds - A love/hate relationship

I've been trying to stay positive since my last beta. The 2 weeks plus wait for the first ultrasound was unbearable. The ultrasound was suppose to be scheduled for 7 weeks and 1 day (12/14) but I started spotting and even found a few clots on 6 weeks and 3 days, so I called my clinic and asked for an early ultrasound.

Looking back, I think the spotting was actually not really that big of a deal. It was mostly brown and mostly only when I wiped. But of course, I overreacted and really freaked out when I saw a few black blobs that looked like clots. They were just on the tissue and maybe smaller than a pea. Again, I think I really overreacted and had ZERO sleep that night. Of course, the terrible nausea and vomiting didn't help. By the way, I've been sick all day and vomiting 1-3 times a day now! I feel like I'm not allowed to complain, but I really feel terrible.

Anyway, I had the ultrasound and more blood work. We saw one little bean measuring right on track at 6 weeks 4 days with a heart rate of 111. My beta was over 60,000 and progesterone was super high at 180.

I was initially happy... until the doctor said that 111 was kind of slow for the heartbeat. She said they like to see it above 120 at this point and I should come back in a week to see how things are. Sigh...

I played Dr. Google when I got home (of course) and read a lot of varying information. Some say between 90-110 for week 6-7, some say above 120, some say above 100. So what does this all mean??? I even read a study that said a heartbeat of 111 at 6.3-7 weeks is considered borderline and is associated with a 17% of miscarriage. Yikes...

I thought I can finally breath after all this worrying. I vowed to try to be normal again after seeing a heartbeat but I never saw this coming... I should have waited until I was 7 weeks! Seeing the lovely flicker of my baby's heart was precious but I'm so afraid that this will all go downhill...

I guess I asked for it right? ugh...

Anxiety and sadness

This is completely not what I thought getting a BFP would feel. I have been nervous the whole way through but today I felt extra emotional. I am not sure why. I feel so disconnected to the world now that I am in-between. I achieved a pregnancy, yes, but I don't feel normal. Sometimes I feel like I am dying to share my news but pull myself back. I know there are women that would give up everything to have a BFP and the possibility of a healthy pregnancy. I am sorry that I feel this way. I feel even disconnected to the IF world now. I feel like I have lost connections with women that I have previously connected to before my BFP. I feel like I betrayed them. Or maybe they just really don't want to talk to me anymore. I want to be happy but I am not. I don't want to worry but I am worrying. I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I have pulled myself away from my friends since I have been TTC. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore...

Emotions @ 13dp5dt

Woke up at 5:30am with severe nausea. Stayed in bed and snuggled with DH until 7 and we headed for the clinic for beta#2. The place was a zoo today! Waited over 30 mins just for bloodwork! The wait for the phone call was even longer! For beta #1, they called at 11am and I was ready with my cell phone in my hand at 11am sharp today. 11:00... nope... no call! 12... nope... 1... nope... I was going out of my mind. Finally, they called around 2... My hands and feet were shaking and my mind was a blank. 

My beta @13dp5dt is 915! Doubling time is 36 hours since last beta. What a relief. What a huge step. I'm so grateful yet so angry that not everyone is able to experience this. I thought about the girls that cycled with me. The ones that got their BFP and the ones that didn't. Especially the ones that didn't. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could have magical powers that let everyone get a BFP. Or better yet, I wish I had magical powers that enable all of us to get knocked up the normal way. Waves of emotions are just crashing down on me. 

Now, the next step: the viability scan. It's not until Dec 14th. Eons away! But I also got another good news today that I was accepted by a midwife at Midwives Collective. My first appointment with my midwife Leah will be on Dec 4! That's something to look forward to that will get me through the long wait. 

*whisper* The P word... sshhh

Can I say it now? I don't know! We've told close family members but has yet to mention anything to friends. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, should I focus on a good second beta before getting too excited? Or should I go google "best strollers" and make a list of baby items I want to buy? Oops, wait, I already did the latter... Funny thing is my husband actually said to me, it's Black Friday, maybe we should buy "necessities" that we will need later while they are on sale. Then he said, or maybe we can start researching and get them on Boxing Day. What!! He's too cute.

I figured "normal people" get excited as soon as they see that second line, don't they? Why can't I? Is it going to make things any easier if the worst happens if I don't get excited? Probably not... So hey, why not take advantage of my huge bloated belly and pretend I'm 20 weeks along (I kid you not!) and go browse Babies R Us?

It's so hard to open up about this "p" word! Everyone in my family seems to think this is it for me. They even have talks of twins. *oh my* I hope it all goes smoothly. I don't think I've ever been so happy yet scared in my whole life. I am just so grateful for everything, there are no words to describe.

Early Beta - 9dp5dt

Forgive the ever so creative title of this post. I am in disbelieve and shock right now! I've been getting some very uncomfortable bloating and nausea, so I emailed my nurse and she asked me to go in for an early beta. I spent almost all of yesterday googling "beta 9dp5dt" and failed to come up with a number that I would be happy with. I figured that I would only be happy with a number above 100 but it's not possible since my HPTs were coming up so faint before. I decided that I would make my peace with it if my number came back at above 50 and not freak out. Well, the wait for the phone call was long and I was going out of my mind! Here's what my FRER looked like about 6 hours before my test:

(I woke up and was wide awake at 2am and took a test.)

So... my beta @ 9dp5dt is.... *drum roll* 145!! WOW! I never thought the day would come that I'd be celebrating a high beta. I am so grateful and I hope the viability ultrasound will be alright and the rest of the pregnancy will be smooth.

Wait... I think I was getting ahead of myself... I hope my second beta will be great as well :p

PS - They cut out my estrogen and decreased my progesterone pills. Apparently, my E2 is above 10,000 and progesterone above 100. Now I only have to do the progesterone pills twice a day! Yay!

6dp6dt - BFP... I think?

This is going to sound so strange!
I peed on today's stick wrong and initially, it had no line and no dark space going across the window like you usually get... I think I didn't get enough urine on it... So I waited a few minutes and there it is! The second line! This is what it looked like about 5 minutes after the test: (today's test is the one not yet labelled...)

So I figured, ok so even though I may not have gotten enough urine on it, it probably worked? After all, it shouldn't register a positive when there is no hcg in the pee...

After about 2 hours, the test looked like this:

It got so dark!! But I'm only 6dp5dt. Twins maybe? Or faulty test? Either way... I hate myself for not peeing on a stick right! LOL...

I've called the midwife as I want in but I know the waiting list is crazy! I hope everything will be alright. 8 days until beta... I can't believe my clinic makes us wait so long.. ARGH!!

Glimpse of hope - 5dp5dt?

Ok... I have to say that I officially HATE the dollar store tests now... Never again... I thought I'd test out my trigger(especially because I had 2 shots of Ovidrel) so if I get 2 lines, I will know it's a real BFP. Being cheap, I opted for the dollar store tests and I tested negative 3dp5dt and 4dp5dt.

So today is 5dp5dt and I thought I'd break out the good stuff and used a First Response. Well, behold!!!  2 lines!! Faint second line but definitely there, no question. I started crying and showed it to my husband who wonderfully pointed out that I should test with the dollar store one and if there is a line on that test, then he will officially believe I am pregnant. So I had some pee left and tested again with the cheapie... and... no line! (Well, maybe a ghost line but I wasn't entirely convinced that it was there...)

So what is it? Real BFP on the FRER or trigger shot still in the system picked up by the FRER but not the cheapie? Oh the torture!!! I want to be happy but I can't cause I don't really entirely believe it... I'm 12 days past my trigger shot today but I had 2 shots so has it left my system? Don't know...

*Frustrated groan*

4dp5dt - BFN

Yes, I was super positive this cycle and yes, it's still early... but sigh... these BFNs hurt... I was hoping my luck would last and that I would be one of those lucky girls that would test positive really early so I can start celebrating... but of course... it's me! Nothing that good ever happens to me. The cycle probably just looked really good so that my BFN can be just the more disappointing. That sounds more like something that would happen to me. I'm just allowing myself to be really negative for a moment...

Back to being positive... Well, I used a cheap dollar store (Pro care brand) test and maybe it's just not that sensitive! (it says sensitivity of 25 but can you really trust something for a dollar?) So I will start using my FRERs tomorrow. (Maybe tonight... lol)

Say what? Are those really MY eggs?

I want to finish writing about my cycle now that I have started my dreaded 2ww. I hope that anyone who reads this post will be motivated to try new protocol(s) because as you will see, a new protocol (and little tweaks) made a HUGE difference in this cycle. Not even considering the result of this cycle, I am a lot more hopeful than I was after finishing my last 2 cycles.

This will be a long post, so here's the short version:
- Stimmed for 10 days with trigger on CD11 with 8 expected eggs to be retrieved
- 8 eggs collected, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. (I was worried at this point but wait it gets better...)
- Day 3: A wonderful 9 cell embryo, 3 wonderful 7-8 cell embryos, all graded 1-2 (with 1 being the best)
- Decided to take them to day 5
- Day 5: (Yes I was a nervous wreck that day) transferred 2 wonderful looking blasts!
- Day 6: Froze 1 blast! (WHAT? A snow baby... me?)

What a difference this protocol has made. I am eternally grateful to my doctor and the nursing team that took care of me. I started this cycle thinking I had CRAP eggs (even though I am 28) because of my 2 failed cycles. They weren't just failed cycles, out of 16 eggs retrieved in 2 cycles, I only had ONE, ONE tiny little day 3 embryo to put back in total that ended in miscarrage. You see why I was concerned. If you read my cycle#2 posts, you also know that I had ZERO fertilization that time. I feel so blessed even though the ultimate goal is to have a BFP, but this is just looking so much better. I hope that everyone who are having difficulty with egg quality can read this and know that protocol DOES make a difference!

The details:
In short, my CD8-11 numbers looked better by the day, with new follicles joining the group and steady E2 rising. This time around, I stimulated for a total of 10 days with trigger shot on day 11. On CD10, it was a tough call to give me another night of stims. I was concerned as I had the biggest follicle at 23mm, 4 in the range of 17-20mm, and 4 that were between 14-16mm. My RE was wonderful and even gave me call to ease my fear of over-mature eggs and told me that it was not an easy decision but he looked at my previous cycles and he feels an extra day would give me the best chance.

Anyway, on CD11, I had one large follicle at 24mm, 6 between 17-22mm and 4 that were either 15 or 16mm. The nurse said to expect to get around 8 eggs, as the biggest one would probably be too large, and ones that are between 15-16mm have a 50% chance of containing an egg.

Well, ER day came around and SHE WAS RIGHT ON! I had 8 eggs collected, and I was happy about that. The procedure was very pain-free UNTIL the doctor got to my left side... my god... But I would do it again in a heartbeat! (I hope I won't have to though)

We waited and waited for the calls the days after ER. With each day, good news came. I was initially concerned about only have 4 eggs fertilized. But knowing they were of good quality eased my mind a little. (What am I talking about, it didn't ease my mind at all. I was a WRECK!) Day 5 came around and I went into the clinic without knowing if I had any embryos to transfer. I had waited 45 mins in the waiting room for the nurse to give me a progesterone injection. The waiting had me thinking that something was wrong, but as soon as I saw the nurse, she told me that nothing has been cancelled for me as of yet, what a relief! Still, I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared to transfer one horrible looking embryo and the news that all other 3 had arrested. (And the PIO injections... YYEEEEOCH!! I'm still hurting)

The transfer was smooth (although I was BURSTING with my extremely full bladder) and my RE was so great.

So you all are probably wondering... What did we do differently this cycle? Well, here's a list:

Things done differently before my cycle:
1. Took TCM herbal teas (or they are more like mud soups if you ask me...)
2. Ate an avocado a day
3. Increased the amount of fruits I ate, especially blueberries
4. Increased my fibre intake

Things done differently during my cycle:
1. Took low dose birth control pills (Aleese) for a month.
2. Decreased the dosage of my stims(FSH) from 400iu to 200iu
3. Used GonalF instead of Puregon and Luveris instead of Repronex. Also Cetrotide instead of Orgalutran.
4. Started injections 7 days after I stopped my BCP, which was about day 3-4 of my period, instead of starting them on day 2.
5. Took a low dose thyroid medication staring with injections.
6. Delayed the start of the antagonist (Cetrotide). Started on day 6 instead of day 5, and started with 1/4 dose on day 6 and continued with 1/2 dose until trigger. (I was on full dose the previous 2 times)
7. Had an extra dose (300iu) of GonalF with my trigger shot.
8. Took a double dose of trigger instead of full dose the first cycle, and half a dose on the total failure that is cycle#2.
9. Had a progesterone in oil injection the day of transfer, right before transfer.

That pretty much sums it all. Pretty drastic differences if you ask me.

Today is 1dp5dt and I'm already itching to POAS... I've been nauseous, crampy, and super tired... all wonderful side effects of progesterone. It's hard not to be positive this cycle since it has been the best cycle for me yet. I know it could still turn out to be a BFN, but in the mean time, I'm going to celebrate and think I am pregnant.

CD6/7 Update

CD6
I started quarter dose Cetrotide in the morning. My LH went from 3 to 5 today so I was told to use half dose of cetrotide tomorrow. Being a control freak, of course I googled what normal LH levels are and I think it's not called a surge until >20, so I think I'll stop thinking about that.
Follicles: Happy report today! The big one still grew. It is now at 16. But I now have 5 little guys, 3 at 11, and 2 at 10! It's a little depressing to think that I got so excited over 5 measly follicles, but this may be the max amount my body will ever make!
E2: 3200

CD7
Can you say growth spurt? I don't know how it happened, but my follicles are now measured: 19mm, 16, 14, 14, 14, and 10. Unfortunately still the same 6, so I probably won't be expecting any more to pop up. But how did one grow from 11mm to 16mm in one night? That's a bit crazy. This is only CD7 and in the past, I wasn't even close to the 15mm mark. I had maybe 1 at 12mm or 13mm at this stage. I seem to be stimming fast this time. I stimmed for 11-12 days in the past. Is this a good thing? It's weird how a different protocol can change things. I'm not sure what to think... Having maybe only 4 or 5 to work with is making me super nervous...
E2: 4200

One day at a time, I guess... Let's hope I survive another ultrasound tomorrow...

The stress of cycling...

I never imagined that this cycle would be so stressful. With 2 cycles behind me, I thought I've seen the worst. I never had trouble during the stimming phase even though things moved along slowly. After all this, I thought the nervousness and hair-pulling won't start until after the retrieval.

But IVF has thrown me a new kind of worry. Despite everything looking so great before the start of my cycle with the excellent AFC and cyst gone, I seemed to have developed a lead follicle. My old clinic didn't have me go in for monitoring until CD5, but this time, I am being monitored daily from CD4.

CD4
So at my first scan, I had one dominant follicle already at 14mm. (What 14? CD4?) Yup... Weird! The only other measurable follicle was at 10. However, I seem to have lots of little ones, a total of 14 little ones they tell me. My estrogen is at 1182, which means that something is growing... hopefully...

CD5
Lead follicle grew to 15! Ick! Two follicles beside that one: one at 10 and one at 9. The count of smaller follicles grew by 1 to 15. I have no idea of their size. I am starting to freak out. My estrogen is at 2226 today, which the nurse seemed to be happy with. She also reassured me that it does look like some follicles will be popping up soon. I will also be starting the antagonist, Cetrotide, quarter dose, tomorrow morning to prevent ovulation.


Comparing with my previous 2 cycles:
My previous first scans were on CD5. In the first cycle, I had 1 follicle at 9mm and that was it. The second cycle, I had nothing on CD5! Things didn't really start to come in until CD9! So technically, I'm seeing more follicles this cycle than I've ever seen before.

I don't know why I'm so bothered by this dominant follicle crap. I was never worried about the risk of cancelling in the first 2 cycles when things looked worst. Maybe it's just the stress of the cycle being the third one. Maybe I just want this too badly. I'm trying to act like I'd be ok with another cancellation or no transfer... but it's hard. I wish I can just turn off my brain for a week and be like a robot.

More bloodwork and ultrasound for the week to come...!

Here goes again... #3

I can't believe this is all happening again! 

It felt like I have been preparing for this cycle FOREVER. The BCPs took forever to finish, and the week between my last BCP and first injection felt like a whole year. All in all, I am happy that this is finally happening again, but of course I am nervous about what's around the corner.

My baseline report was fair. OFC actually never did a baseline for me so this is the first cycle out of 3 that I am getting this info.

AFC: 13 (10 on right, 3 on left) 

E2: 210

Lining is right where it's suppose to be at this point

I have only gotten my AFC counted once, and that number was 8. Needless to say, I am happy with 13. But I am still scared that this is setting me up for a big disappointment. My E2 level is quite high. At this point, 200 and below would be acceptable and I am just over that line. I was given the go ahead to start, so I guess I will *try* not to freak out too much until my next appointment.

Here's what's going on with me today: second day of injections, topped with bloating and a side of weird twinges here and there. Warning: Emotional stability not guaranteed.

Purpose

Today I suddenly realized why God chose me to face my disease and infertility. Maybe infertility has a purpose for me...

I was a good child, a decent (maybe a little stubborn and strong headed) teenager. My parents and all my relatives loved me and always commented on what a good little kid I was. I've always gotten good grades at school, mostly amongst the top. I was enrolled in AP classes and felt like I was headed for the top of the world. I never felt like there was anything I couldn't achieve or get if I really put my mind to it. There were never anything that I felt like I couldn't have. I could always reason and sway my parents into giving me what I wanted, in exchange for good grades, hard work, or just being a good kid. It all made sense. To me, life meant being rewarded after putting in good effort.

Then, real life began. 

Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I need to be ok with things falling out of place. That trying doesn't always mean you will get what you want in return, but being strong means giving it your best and being ok with the results even if it is failure. Maybe God's harsh lesson is the only way he saw how I can learn to live a fulfilling life. Life is unfair. Nothing is ever equal. Not everyone gets what they want. But maybe this is why life is so worth living. Because when we can't have everything we want, that only makes us cherish what we have even more.

New normal

I can't remember the last time I felt normal and whole. How do I stop myself from thinking about babies and fertility treatments? IF has consumed so much of my life that I've stopped living it for anything else. How do I stop thinking about something that is that such a big part of who I am? How do I accept it and let go?

The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...

This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.

Where did you see yourself?

Where did you see yourself today, 10 years ago?

I've never thought that I wouldn't be a mother. There was never anything more that I wanted to be even as a young girl. But now I see that it may never be in the cards for me. What will life be like for a forever family of two?

I've realized that my prayers have changed. It used to be that I prayed for a child. Now, I am praying for the strength to be ok with whatever comes my way. There's a saying that, "it will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end." It's not that I want this to be the end, I just want it to be ok.

Uncertainty and sleepless nights

After a long 5 months, my IVF journey #3 will be coming up very soon. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

I've now met with 2 different doctors not at Ottawa Fertility for a second and third opinion. I had my AMH tested twice, 14.7 pmol/L and 16 pmol/L. Both times at the lower end of normal, but amazing for someone who has such extensive endo and it is still considered normal. So I DO have lots of eggs left... I guess this is somewhat of a comfort. DH's sperm is normal, fragmentation at 22%, which is fair. So basically, all these tests point that everything should have been perfect and does not explain whatsoever why my embryos don't fertilize/grow. Of the 2 cycles I did, I had retrieved a total of 16 eggs of which only 3 fertilized and 1 transferred on day 3. Horrible for a 27 year old. What's going on?

After meeting with Dr. Arthur and Mount Sinai and Dr. Hannam at Hannam Fertility Clinic, I've decided to cycle again with Dr. Hannam. He was so great at looking at my file thoroughly and both DH and I just loved him. We discussed lowering doses and doing a completely new protocol. With lowered doses, we're really hoping to get better quality eggs. I just hope I respond to the stimulation. Expecting to call in CD1 this week. Our treatment plan will be:

PROTOCOL: OCP - controlled Antagonist Cycle Down Regulation: Alesse x 3-7 weeks with endometrial biopsy
Starting Dose: Gonal f 200 once a day with Luveris 75 Add: Lthyroxine 50mcg/day until preg test
Cycle LH Inhibitor: Cetrotide 62.5 to 125 mcg/d
Ovulation Trigger: Ovidrel/HCG x2 sources with 450 IU push prn. Fleet enema prn
Retrieval Day: Standard anaesthesia protocol: fentanyl, midazolam, xylocaine & atropine PRN.
Add serum TSH, T4
Post-Retrieval Day: Prometrium 200mg PV TID with Estrace 2mg PV BID
Male Instructions: 2-4 days of abstinence before expected day of retrieval
LABORATORY INSTRUCTIONS (Lifequest) Fertilization of Eggs: ICSI with fresh sperm SPINDLE VIEW please Assisted Hatching: Yes
Extra Testing: None Plan to Transfer: two embryos on Day 3 or 5 TRANSFER INSTRUCTIONS Pre-Transfer Day: Routine Care
Transfer Day: Full-bladder ultrasound guided embryo transfer. PIO 50mg IM x 1 dose 1 hour prior to transfer
Post Transfer: Serum estrogen, progesterone

My chances seem grim. I'm not sure how I feel about this next cycle. Not sure what I should expect. Maybe I should expect yet another zero fertilization, because that's the worst that could happen. This cycle just may tell us once and for all, if we should even continue down this path. I've been losing a lot of sleep.

New clinic, new doctor, new protocol, new hope? But the shadow of my last two cycles still haunt me.

Getting back on the roller coaster... Maybe?

So much has happened since my last epic IVF failure... It's only been 2 months, but I've had to deal with my last IVF failure, move to a new town due to DH getting a new job, apartment search, take my CMA entrance exam, plus deal with the recent passing of my grandfather. Looking at me the past 2 months, I was a total wreck. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I cried about my endo, I cried about my IVF failures, I cried about the stress of writing my exam, I cried about not being able to be with my grandfather when he passed away. I couldn't deal. Miraculously, it was my grandfather that gave me back the strength to be normal again.

My grandfather, who lived on the other side of the country, was dying of kidney failure and it was only days until the inevitable. I was dealing with my recent IVF failure and was registered to write my accounting exam just a week after I heard the news. I was devastated to say the least. Sulking, crying, and blaming the world for my woes did nothing. I didn't stop to think about my options to defer or change my test location so I can be with my family. When I got myself together enough to make logical decisions, my grandfather had already past away. Not being able to be with him in his last hours will be something I will regret until the day I die. I wasn't thinking straight. However, I managed to get my act together, change my test location, and fly over to be with my family for his funeral. I broke down as I went home and saw my grandmother sitting in my grandfather's leather chair.

It was the 3 weeks I spent in Vancouver that changed me. Being used to living away from family, being with family after so much has happened was like rain after a long harsh draught. I saw grandpa resting peacefully before he was cremated and it gave me peace, even though it still hurt to lose him. Everyone coming together in a difficult time gave me the strength to be the stronger person. And because my grandmother needed me more, I needed to get back up. So in a way, I've been blessed. I thank my grandpa for it, and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.


So after 2 months of completely blocking out having infertility treatments from my mind (almost completely... I still do the I-wish-that-was-my-baby-thing whenever I see a lady with a stroller), we've finally went in for a consultation with a new clinic - Mount Sinai. I was nervous, excited, ready to vomit. But despite the anxiety, I mustered up enough strength to actually go to my consultation.

Despite my worst fears, the doctor did not say that I had zero chance of getting pregnant or that I should consider egg donors, but she was willing to investigate the extent of my poor ovarian reserve and maybe try a new protocol. I was also worried about a fluid-filled tube and she was very proactive about it and is also investigating the problem. She ordered AMH to be tested and a second u/s to investigate my tubes. She does believe that my endometriosis is the main cause of my poor egg quality, but thinks that maybe drug dosage and the amount of HSG given to me at trigger also had something to do with my poor egg quality/low number of mature eggs retrieved. She gave me options about what to do with my hydrosalphix and depending on the results of my AMH test, she has a couple of plans of action in mind.

Sounds promising... but I'm not sure what to think of all this. Getting back on the roller coaster is definitely hard but having to live with the fact that I will be child-less for the rest of my life is harder. After my last failure, I was SURE that I wouldn't be ready to try another cycle until next year or perhaps never... I am also booked for a first consultation at yet another clinic, Hannam Fertility, for late August. So until I get my test results and meet with another doctor for a second (third?) opinion... I will settle with being conservatively optimistic!

"Don't worry, you're young... it'll happen when you stop stressing out about it..."

Oh how I hate hearing this...

I feel so distant to all my friends. At this point in their lives, none of them understand what infertility means and most of them doesn't even have the desire to have children yet. It's not their fault, I understand. This is just not something that everyone has to deal with. I am surprised, however, at the lack of knowledge of how our reproduction system works as half of my friends doesn't even know what ovulation means.

How can I expect them to even begin to feel what I have to go through, if they don't even know how the reproductive system works? Ovulation, fertilization, embryos, ovaries, sperm count, fallopian tubes, egg quality, are all like a foreign language to them. It's just too much to take in, and frankly, most of them will probably never have to learn in detail what those words mean. To them, those terms will only be forgotten vocabulary from high school biology. But to us, people dealing with infertility, each and every word have burnt a scar in our hearts.

I have spoken openly about my infertility to all my friends and everyone/anyone who is interested. I have made it my mission to educate them about what infertility is. It's certainly not an easy task. Most people will sympathize with me when I tell them the amount of needles I have to stick myself with through the IVF process, as people can relate to needles and what it feels like when it pierces through our skin.

But of course, the conversation is short-lived, as most people will reply with those dreaded words, "Don't worry, you're young, it will happen" or "Don't stress out! Take a vacation with your husband and it'll happen!" Then they start to lose interest when I try to explain and educate them about infertility. It is so frustrating to me that people just don't want to be educated on the topic. Nevertheless, it will be my mission to heighten infertility awareness as I know there are people out there willing to listen.

Number 2 and complete failure

I wanted to keep myself away from googling/blogging/reading anything IVF related during my second cycle. I wanted to keep myself busy, not thinking about the things that could go wrong. Well, the results are in and I didn't even have a chance.

Protocol: Antagonist estrogen priming (exactly the same as #1)
# Days of stimulation: 12
Follicle count before ER: 11 total, 4 above 17mm, the rest around 15-16.
Eggs retrieved: 6
# fertilized with ICSI: 0
No embryos to transfer

I knew it wasn't good news when it was my doctor and not the nurse that called to give me the stats on fertilization. What a hard blow. I was told that my egg quality was very poor and the embryoligist tried injecting them with sperm anyway but none fertilized. My RE may not recommend another cycle for me.

I was a bit numb and speechless at first, then angry. How was this possible? I'm only 27. I was not told that I had egg quality issues in my first cycle. Yes, only 1 egg made it out of the 10 in the first round, but I thought that was just plain bad luck. I felt completely beat down and lost. I was also told during this cycle that I may have a fluid-filled tube (hydrosalphinx) on the left. To add to my list of problems, now I have egg quality issues.What does this all mean? A second opinion? Surgery? Donor eggs? Adoption? Or giving up all together?

This is all so unfair. The typical 27 year-old wouldn't even be anywhere close to encountering the problems I'm faced with. They'd be having fun, partying, or just enjoying life as newlyweds. Not for me, not for us.

I think people don't realize what a big feat it is to be able to have children. Maybe it was because of my age, being diagnosed with endo and infertility didn't beat me down too much at first. I didn't know what this meant and the long road that would be ahead of me. Even people faced with infertility comes to a realization that "oh my god, this is really happening. It really is THAT difficult." The first time you hear your options and the stats about IUI/IVF, it seemed probable, and trying to pregnant just meant sticking yourself with needles and being probed by an ultrasound stick, instead of the normal routine. "I could get used to that," I thought.

What I can't get used to, is losing your baby after you've been tested positive. Being told that I still have a very good chance of getting pregnant and having that all taken away from me in a second. Who knew this would forever be a part of my history?

It'll take me a while to have it all sink in. In the mean time, I've allowed myself to be all gloom and doom. I thought about my grandparents and what it means to get old, having your health fail you little by little, day by day. I spent a week with my grandparents last month and it opened my eyes to living life in retirement. I can't express the bitter-sweetness of the interdependence that my grandparents have between each other, and the self-less love that my aunt and uncle give each day in caring for my grandparents.

What if I didn't have any loved ones? I have no siblings. No cousins within 2000 miles of me. All my loved ones would have passed when I turn 80. What would my life be like when I'm old without children if my husband were to leave this world before me?  I can not imagine when the day comes that I would need help just to walk across the street and there would be no one there to help me. Would this be my fate?

Sometimes I'd sit by the window, stare out into the world outside my living room, and watch people walk by. What kind of life are they leading? Do they have family and loved ones? Are they happy? Have they mourn the lost of a loved one? What are their dreams and aspirations? My own life would then feel muted as I wonder about the life of others. Somehow this eases the pain but leaves me empty and lost within my own world, looking out behind glass walls.

Taking a step back

Sometimes it feel likes infertility rips my soul from my body and leaves me a disfigured shell of a human being. My soul dangles and clouds over my life as I watch everyone else pass by while I'm trapped waiting behind glass doors. I envision my future but it's just that, a distance dream. Today, I took a step back and I realized that I've started to forget all the wonderful things that I do have in my life. I'm luckiest girl alive to still have them.

To my wonderful husband who has stood by me through thick and thin. I never thought I'd be so lucky to have someone that understands me with just a look. Someone who could finish my sentence and someone who puts up with my insanity. It doesn't  matter what fate throws in our way because in the end, you're my family, you and me. And that's all I need.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Summary of IVF#1

I feel the need to "summarize" everything that I've been through including the protocol and meds I took, just so I will have this information for myself to reflect on. Perhaps other people may find it interest as well. I guess this is also my way of dealing, closure if you will.


IVF#1 (Nov 2011 - Jan 2012)
Miscarried at 5/6 weeks

Goodbye my little baby~ I wish we could still be together. I wish I could have heard your heart beat. But God had other plans for you. You will be missed. 

Protocol: Antagonist (Patch priming)
Meds:
   Pre-Stim:
     - Estrogen patch: No problem sticking to skin, no side effects felt
     - Orgalutran: Small needle, easy to inject, no burning once I learned how to inject properly
   Stim:
     - 400iu Puregon: Injection by puregon pen, easy to prepare, not too much burning with ice before shot
     - 75iu Repronex: Mixing it was a bit of a hassle, very easy once I got used to it, burns a little after injecting
    # Days of Stimulation: 11 Follicle Count/Size Before Trigger: 3-4 at >17mm, Many smaller ones around 15mm Eggs Retrieved: 10 Mature Eggs: 5 (4 usable, 1 abnormal) Fertilized: 3 (But 2 stopped growing before day 3) Transfered: 1 Day 3 embryo, 8 cell excellent grade Lining: 12mm on day of transfer  Acupuncture: Day of transfer only - once before transfer, and once after
Betas  #1 - 13dp3dt: 11  #2 - 19dp3dt: 324 (Started heavy bleeding)  #3 - 20dp3dt: 157 (Continued bleeding)  #4 - 24dp3dt: 27 (Continued light bleeding)  #5 - 30dp3dt: Not sure yet but probably back to zero

I know I started my first cycle pretty optimistic. It's probably the way all first timers feel. However, the reality is that this is not going to work the first time for everybody. The hardest part about my first cycle was that it ended in miscarriage. Honestly, I'm still coping. This cycle really brought me down to earth about my expectations and it was a hard kick in the ass reality check. The next round will hopefully be easier now I know what to expect. It won't be less stressful but I hope to cycle again soon and I will not give up! "It will be ok in the end! If it's not ok, it's not the end!" - Oprah

What else can I say about my first cycle? Well, Beans is sure happy that he's going to stay an only child (fur-child) for a while. I know he's smirking behind my back....