The end and heartbreak

Last week, waiting for a my second beta was the longest and hardest week I had to go through. December 28 was the end of our journey and the hardest day in my 27 years of exsistance. Fate was unbelievably cruel to me.

The digital home pregnancy test I took the morning of December 28th told me that I was in fact pregnant, which I knew already but I questioned the viability of my pregnancy with a low first beta of 11. But when the words "2-3 weeks"(since conception) appeared in the window of that HPT, I couldn't find the words to describe how happy I was. It felt like that yes, there was a huge chance that this pregnancy may in fact work out! In 6 days, my Hcg went from 11 to above 200 (if in fact the digital was correct) and that put me right back on track to where I'm suppose to me. Yes, my levels were still low, but it gave me a lot of hope. I ran in the bedroom to tell my husband the wonderful news and I was so happy I could cry. I know it didn't mean anything concrete, my number were not official, but it was a ray of hope from heaven. I was on cloud 9. I could now believe that I was 5 weeks pregnant.

That afternoon, my whole world shattered. It shattered so quickly. After doing some casual grocery shopping. We were on our way home in the car. I was thirsty and decided to take a sip of water. Accidentally choking on the water, I began to violently choke and cough for a couple of minutes. I didn't think anything of it at first but after about 5 minutes, my stomach began to feel strange, and before I knew it, I felt something gushing down. When we got home and out of the car, I stood up and I felt it. I knew it was blood and things didn't look good. As we walked towards the elevator, the bleeding became heavier and it soaked through my pants and dripped as I walked to my apartment. I was so scared.

We took a trip to the ER and of course, I was still bleeding. When the nurse asked me what was the matter, I said "I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding" and that was when it hit me. This was the end. I broke down.

We waited for a few hours, they took blood and examined me. When I looked in the toilet bowl after my trips to the bathroom as I was waiting, it was bright red and looked like a crime scene. My beta that night was 324. What a great number it would have been. The doctor sent me home and referred me to an early pregnancy clinic to do an ultrasound. I was only 5 weeks (and some) along and I guess they didn't bother to do an ultrasound. I went home feeling shattered and shocked that my world had went from wonderful to hell in the blink of an eye.

The bleeding continued the next day on the day of my scheduled beta test at my clinic. I told the nurse what happened and she wasn't optimistic. I'm at risk for ectopic pregnancy. My beta the day after the bleeding incident was only 157. The baby is definitely gone. The nurse still felt that I needed to be checked on again so my next appointment will be Jan 3rd for bloodwork and an ultrasound.

So was this a miscarriage? Could it be an ectopic pregnancy? If they don't see anything on the ultrasound, would "they" label this as a chemical pregnancy since nothing was ever seen on the screen?

I felt so connected to the would-be baby. I felt a new life was growing inside me and I thought I would get to be a mother. I guess I was too optimistic too soon and those positive pregnancy tests certainly didn't help. Is it alright to grieve? Am I crazy for feeling so crushed as I am?

My heart goes out to everyone who had a miscarriage. I understand that the further along the pregnancy, the harder the miscarriage will be. I can not begin to imagine how those that lost their angel after seeing it on the screen must have felt. But I'm also hurting and grieving, I hope that's alright.

I hope that this is over and done with quickly. I hope this doesn't turn out to be ectopic and no further intervention will be needed. But every trip to the bathroom just reminds me that I couldn't keep my would-be baby. What do I do now?

Holding my breath

I caved and went out and bought a ClearBlue Digital with Conception indicator.
My beta at 13dp3dt was 11. Now 6 days later, the CB is telling me that I'm 2-3 weeks pregnant! I'm hoping that this is a good sign and it will continue to rise and I'll have a normal pregnancy!

I guess we can rule out chemical pregnancy now... maybe... I won't know for sure until my beta tomorrow. I'm holding my breath and keeping everything crossed! I will most likely need a 3rd beta.

I read somewhere that to get 2-3 weeks on the CB test, your hcg should be around 200. Although unclear about the accuracy of this piece of information or the test itself, it's giving me a little peace of mind at least for today! The worry never ends!

Still (a little?) pregnant?

Yup... It's not Thursday yet... How time drags on during these in-between days... I hate living my life in increments. All I can think about is my next beta.

The ClearBlue still tells me that I'm pregnant. So at least I still somewhat have hope. The line does look a bit darker than 2 days ago... I'm pulling my hair out thinking, just how high my beta can go from an original reading of 11???

How could the clinic do this to me? 1 whole week in-between betas?? Tell me how to get this off my mind!!! I'm just about ready to join a mental institution!!

Beta Hell

I never thought I'd be where I am today... With all my early HPTs being negative before my Beta at 13dp3dt... I was scared to death to test again before my beta so I just accepted that yes, my first cycle would be a failure...

Then... my first beta at 13dp3dt... was 11...
This was not good news... but not bad news? At least I had a slim chance... Even if it was less than 10% according to some website I found after obsessively goggling success stories with incredibly low betas.

Now, waiting for my second beta during the holidays... I've turned in to a POAS addict!!
I'm afraid my journey through POAS and beta hell has started...

"I wonder if I will still test positive on the evil stick today??"
"Did my second line on the test get darker?"
"How much darker is it?"
"Maybe if I google pictures of HPTs I can figure out my beta number from other people's pictures..."

Yup... I'm in hell!

So I tested 2 days after my first beta of 11 with a First Response Early Result. I had a line, an obvious line. This reassured me that at least my numbers should be more than 11. This was yesterday, Christmas Eve. I was super happy that at least I got to see a second line. This was my first time EVER!

Today, on Christmas, I took a second test with a ClearBlue, and the + line came up in less than 10 seconds, darker than the horizontal line, which also reassured me. But I'm still feeling uneasy.

I have a feeling that this may go on for a while before I know a definitely answer.
My problem is that I'll be out of my progesterone tabs before I go in for my second beta... I may just pop in a regular clinic to ask for a prescription, if that's even possible... sigh...

If this is indeed a chemical pregnancy, I will make my peace with it. I just wish I can find out sooner and move on. What an exhausting journey!

A little pregnant?

Well, it's been ages since I've posted. Since I've last posted, I've had my egg retrieval, transfer, and the dreaded 2 week wait is finally over (or so I thought)...

My egg retrieval was on December 6 at 8:30 in the morning. I had to be at the clinic at 7:30 as they had to prep me for the retrieval. I had a shot of Fentanyl (it's a valium-like drug to relax me) and an IV started in my arm. They also gave me Versed through my IV for the pain. (Like it helped at all!!)

Unfortunately, my retrieval was SUPER painful. The embryologist was late and I guess my meds were wearing off. They gave me a second dose of meds but it was still very painful. I just kept thinking to myself that if I can't take this pain, what about child birth?

Anyway, they retrieved 10 eggs, which I though was good news. However, the nurse called the next morning and only 3 fertilized out of the 10. Then, after another day (or what seemed like a century) of anticipation, only 1 made it to a day 3 transfer. The one good embie was an 8-cell excellent grade embryo so I had a 35% chance of success according to the doctor. I was pretty down as I hoped to put back at least 2 which would have increased my odds to 50%. But life goes on...

Egg Transfer was easy! No pain at all, just a very uncomfortable full bladder. Acupuncture before and after the transfer was also easy (not on the wallet though, it was 283 dollars!) I had the privilege of having a very experienced doctor to do my transfer. I was the last egg transfer that he will ever do, as he is retiring, and the very first egg transfer he did 29 years ago ended up with a positive result. I took that as good luck and my dreaded 2 week wait began.

I won't tell you that the wait was easy because it was the hardest part of the whole process. I caved and used a HPT but it gave me a negative result (even though I stared way pass the 10 minute deadline... I seriously thought staring at the evil stick will change the outcome, I guess I don't have super powers after all...!)

Then today at 13 days past my 3 day transfer... I went in for my big test... the beta!
I was expecting a BIG FAT NEGATIVE and I though was prepared for bad news but... not this!

In the words of the nurse, "It's not good news but, you're a little pregnant."

!?!?

It turns out my beta is 11 at day 13. This is pretty low. It will most likely end in an early miscarriage or what they like to call a chemical pregnancy. I go back for a second beta test a week later to confirm. The nurse said they'd like to see a beta of below 5 to confirm a negative result.

Well, I'm back in beta hell for another week!!! I'm not sure what to think and I'm just a little shocked right now...