Anxiety and sadness

This is completely not what I thought getting a BFP would feel. I have been nervous the whole way through but today I felt extra emotional. I am not sure why. I feel so disconnected to the world now that I am in-between. I achieved a pregnancy, yes, but I don't feel normal. Sometimes I feel like I am dying to share my news but pull myself back. I know there are women that would give up everything to have a BFP and the possibility of a healthy pregnancy. I am sorry that I feel this way. I feel even disconnected to the IF world now. I feel like I have lost connections with women that I have previously connected to before my BFP. I feel like I betrayed them. Or maybe they just really don't want to talk to me anymore. I want to be happy but I am not. I don't want to worry but I am worrying. I feel so alone and I can't tell anyone. I have pulled myself away from my friends since I have been TTC. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore...

Emotions @ 13dp5dt

Woke up at 5:30am with severe nausea. Stayed in bed and snuggled with DH until 7 and we headed for the clinic for beta#2. The place was a zoo today! Waited over 30 mins just for bloodwork! The wait for the phone call was even longer! For beta #1, they called at 11am and I was ready with my cell phone in my hand at 11am sharp today. 11:00... nope... no call! 12... nope... 1... nope... I was going out of my mind. Finally, they called around 2... My hands and feet were shaking and my mind was a blank. 

My beta @13dp5dt is 915! Doubling time is 36 hours since last beta. What a relief. What a huge step. I'm so grateful yet so angry that not everyone is able to experience this. I thought about the girls that cycled with me. The ones that got their BFP and the ones that didn't. Especially the ones that didn't. I've been there and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could have magical powers that let everyone get a BFP. Or better yet, I wish I had magical powers that enable all of us to get knocked up the normal way. Waves of emotions are just crashing down on me. 

Now, the next step: the viability scan. It's not until Dec 14th. Eons away! But I also got another good news today that I was accepted by a midwife at Midwives Collective. My first appointment with my midwife Leah will be on Dec 4! That's something to look forward to that will get me through the long wait. 

*whisper* The P word... sshhh

Can I say it now? I don't know! We've told close family members but has yet to mention anything to friends. Maybe I'm a little ahead of myself, should I focus on a good second beta before getting too excited? Or should I go google "best strollers" and make a list of baby items I want to buy? Oops, wait, I already did the latter... Funny thing is my husband actually said to me, it's Black Friday, maybe we should buy "necessities" that we will need later while they are on sale. Then he said, or maybe we can start researching and get them on Boxing Day. What!! He's too cute.

I figured "normal people" get excited as soon as they see that second line, don't they? Why can't I? Is it going to make things any easier if the worst happens if I don't get excited? Probably not... So hey, why not take advantage of my huge bloated belly and pretend I'm 20 weeks along (I kid you not!) and go browse Babies R Us?

It's so hard to open up about this "p" word! Everyone in my family seems to think this is it for me. They even have talks of twins. *oh my* I hope it all goes smoothly. I don't think I've ever been so happy yet scared in my whole life. I am just so grateful for everything, there are no words to describe.

Early Beta - 9dp5dt

Forgive the ever so creative title of this post. I am in disbelieve and shock right now! I've been getting some very uncomfortable bloating and nausea, so I emailed my nurse and she asked me to go in for an early beta. I spent almost all of yesterday googling "beta 9dp5dt" and failed to come up with a number that I would be happy with. I figured that I would only be happy with a number above 100 but it's not possible since my HPTs were coming up so faint before. I decided that I would make my peace with it if my number came back at above 50 and not freak out. Well, the wait for the phone call was long and I was going out of my mind! Here's what my FRER looked like about 6 hours before my test:

(I woke up and was wide awake at 2am and took a test.)

So... my beta @ 9dp5dt is.... *drum roll* 145!! WOW! I never thought the day would come that I'd be celebrating a high beta. I am so grateful and I hope the viability ultrasound will be alright and the rest of the pregnancy will be smooth.

Wait... I think I was getting ahead of myself... I hope my second beta will be great as well :p

PS - They cut out my estrogen and decreased my progesterone pills. Apparently, my E2 is above 10,000 and progesterone above 100. Now I only have to do the progesterone pills twice a day! Yay!

6dp6dt - BFP... I think?

This is going to sound so strange!
I peed on today's stick wrong and initially, it had no line and no dark space going across the window like you usually get... I think I didn't get enough urine on it... So I waited a few minutes and there it is! The second line! This is what it looked like about 5 minutes after the test: (today's test is the one not yet labelled...)

So I figured, ok so even though I may not have gotten enough urine on it, it probably worked? After all, it shouldn't register a positive when there is no hcg in the pee...

After about 2 hours, the test looked like this:

It got so dark!! But I'm only 6dp5dt. Twins maybe? Or faulty test? Either way... I hate myself for not peeing on a stick right! LOL...

I've called the midwife as I want in but I know the waiting list is crazy! I hope everything will be alright. 8 days until beta... I can't believe my clinic makes us wait so long.. ARGH!!

Glimpse of hope - 5dp5dt?

Ok... I have to say that I officially HATE the dollar store tests now... Never again... I thought I'd test out my trigger(especially because I had 2 shots of Ovidrel) so if I get 2 lines, I will know it's a real BFP. Being cheap, I opted for the dollar store tests and I tested negative 3dp5dt and 4dp5dt.

So today is 5dp5dt and I thought I'd break out the good stuff and used a First Response. Well, behold!!!  2 lines!! Faint second line but definitely there, no question. I started crying and showed it to my husband who wonderfully pointed out that I should test with the dollar store one and if there is a line on that test, then he will officially believe I am pregnant. So I had some pee left and tested again with the cheapie... and... no line! (Well, maybe a ghost line but I wasn't entirely convinced that it was there...)

So what is it? Real BFP on the FRER or trigger shot still in the system picked up by the FRER but not the cheapie? Oh the torture!!! I want to be happy but I can't cause I don't really entirely believe it... I'm 12 days past my trigger shot today but I had 2 shots so has it left my system? Don't know...

*Frustrated groan*

4dp5dt - BFN

Yes, I was super positive this cycle and yes, it's still early... but sigh... these BFNs hurt... I was hoping my luck would last and that I would be one of those lucky girls that would test positive really early so I can start celebrating... but of course... it's me! Nothing that good ever happens to me. The cycle probably just looked really good so that my BFN can be just the more disappointing. That sounds more like something that would happen to me. I'm just allowing myself to be really negative for a moment...

Back to being positive... Well, I used a cheap dollar store (Pro care brand) test and maybe it's just not that sensitive! (it says sensitivity of 25 but can you really trust something for a dollar?) So I will start using my FRERs tomorrow. (Maybe tonight... lol)

Say what? Are those really MY eggs?

I want to finish writing about my cycle now that I have started my dreaded 2ww. I hope that anyone who reads this post will be motivated to try new protocol(s) because as you will see, a new protocol (and little tweaks) made a HUGE difference in this cycle. Not even considering the result of this cycle, I am a lot more hopeful than I was after finishing my last 2 cycles.

This will be a long post, so here's the short version:
- Stimmed for 10 days with trigger on CD11 with 8 expected eggs to be retrieved
- 8 eggs collected, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. (I was worried at this point but wait it gets better...)
- Day 3: A wonderful 9 cell embryo, 3 wonderful 7-8 cell embryos, all graded 1-2 (with 1 being the best)
- Decided to take them to day 5
- Day 5: (Yes I was a nervous wreck that day) transferred 2 wonderful looking blasts!
- Day 6: Froze 1 blast! (WHAT? A snow baby... me?)

What a difference this protocol has made. I am eternally grateful to my doctor and the nursing team that took care of me. I started this cycle thinking I had CRAP eggs (even though I am 28) because of my 2 failed cycles. They weren't just failed cycles, out of 16 eggs retrieved in 2 cycles, I only had ONE, ONE tiny little day 3 embryo to put back in total that ended in miscarrage. You see why I was concerned. If you read my cycle#2 posts, you also know that I had ZERO fertilization that time. I feel so blessed even though the ultimate goal is to have a BFP, but this is just looking so much better. I hope that everyone who are having difficulty with egg quality can read this and know that protocol DOES make a difference!

The details:
In short, my CD8-11 numbers looked better by the day, with new follicles joining the group and steady E2 rising. This time around, I stimulated for a total of 10 days with trigger shot on day 11. On CD10, it was a tough call to give me another night of stims. I was concerned as I had the biggest follicle at 23mm, 4 in the range of 17-20mm, and 4 that were between 14-16mm. My RE was wonderful and even gave me call to ease my fear of over-mature eggs and told me that it was not an easy decision but he looked at my previous cycles and he feels an extra day would give me the best chance.

Anyway, on CD11, I had one large follicle at 24mm, 6 between 17-22mm and 4 that were either 15 or 16mm. The nurse said to expect to get around 8 eggs, as the biggest one would probably be too large, and ones that are between 15-16mm have a 50% chance of containing an egg.

Well, ER day came around and SHE WAS RIGHT ON! I had 8 eggs collected, and I was happy about that. The procedure was very pain-free UNTIL the doctor got to my left side... my god... But I would do it again in a heartbeat! (I hope I won't have to though)

We waited and waited for the calls the days after ER. With each day, good news came. I was initially concerned about only have 4 eggs fertilized. But knowing they were of good quality eased my mind a little. (What am I talking about, it didn't ease my mind at all. I was a WRECK!) Day 5 came around and I went into the clinic without knowing if I had any embryos to transfer. I had waited 45 mins in the waiting room for the nurse to give me a progesterone injection. The waiting had me thinking that something was wrong, but as soon as I saw the nurse, she told me that nothing has been cancelled for me as of yet, what a relief! Still, I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared to transfer one horrible looking embryo and the news that all other 3 had arrested. (And the PIO injections... YYEEEEOCH!! I'm still hurting)

The transfer was smooth (although I was BURSTING with my extremely full bladder) and my RE was so great.

So you all are probably wondering... What did we do differently this cycle? Well, here's a list:

Things done differently before my cycle:
1. Took TCM herbal teas (or they are more like mud soups if you ask me...)
2. Ate an avocado a day
3. Increased the amount of fruits I ate, especially blueberries
4. Increased my fibre intake

Things done differently during my cycle:
1. Took low dose birth control pills (Aleese) for a month.
2. Decreased the dosage of my stims(FSH) from 400iu to 200iu
3. Used GonalF instead of Puregon and Luveris instead of Repronex. Also Cetrotide instead of Orgalutran.
4. Started injections 7 days after I stopped my BCP, which was about day 3-4 of my period, instead of starting them on day 2.
5. Took a low dose thyroid medication staring with injections.
6. Delayed the start of the antagonist (Cetrotide). Started on day 6 instead of day 5, and started with 1/4 dose on day 6 and continued with 1/2 dose until trigger. (I was on full dose the previous 2 times)
7. Had an extra dose (300iu) of GonalF with my trigger shot.
8. Took a double dose of trigger instead of full dose the first cycle, and half a dose on the total failure that is cycle#2.
9. Had a progesterone in oil injection the day of transfer, right before transfer.

That pretty much sums it all. Pretty drastic differences if you ask me.

Today is 1dp5dt and I'm already itching to POAS... I've been nauseous, crampy, and super tired... all wonderful side effects of progesterone. It's hard not to be positive this cycle since it has been the best cycle for me yet. I know it could still turn out to be a BFN, but in the mean time, I'm going to celebrate and think I am pregnant.

CD6/7 Update

CD6
I started quarter dose Cetrotide in the morning. My LH went from 3 to 5 today so I was told to use half dose of cetrotide tomorrow. Being a control freak, of course I googled what normal LH levels are and I think it's not called a surge until >20, so I think I'll stop thinking about that.
Follicles: Happy report today! The big one still grew. It is now at 16. But I now have 5 little guys, 3 at 11, and 2 at 10! It's a little depressing to think that I got so excited over 5 measly follicles, but this may be the max amount my body will ever make!
E2: 3200

CD7
Can you say growth spurt? I don't know how it happened, but my follicles are now measured: 19mm, 16, 14, 14, 14, and 10. Unfortunately still the same 6, so I probably won't be expecting any more to pop up. But how did one grow from 11mm to 16mm in one night? That's a bit crazy. This is only CD7 and in the past, I wasn't even close to the 15mm mark. I had maybe 1 at 12mm or 13mm at this stage. I seem to be stimming fast this time. I stimmed for 11-12 days in the past. Is this a good thing? It's weird how a different protocol can change things. I'm not sure what to think... Having maybe only 4 or 5 to work with is making me super nervous...
E2: 4200

One day at a time, I guess... Let's hope I survive another ultrasound tomorrow...