So much has happened since my last epic IVF failure... It's only been 2 months, but I've had to deal with my last IVF failure, move to a new town due to DH getting a new job, apartment search, take my CMA entrance exam, plus deal with the recent passing of my grandfather. Looking at me the past 2 months, I was a total wreck. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I cried about my endo, I cried about my IVF failures, I cried about the stress of writing my exam, I cried about not being able to be with my grandfather when he passed away. I couldn't deal. Miraculously, it was my grandfather that gave me back the strength to be normal again.
My grandfather, who lived on the other side of the country, was dying of kidney failure and it was only days until the inevitable. I was dealing with my recent IVF failure and was registered to write my accounting exam just a week after I heard the news. I was devastated to say the least. Sulking, crying, and blaming the world for my woes did nothing. I didn't stop to think about my options to defer or change my test location so I can be with my family. When I got myself together enough to make logical decisions, my grandfather had already past away. Not being able to be with him in his last hours will be something I will regret until the day I die. I wasn't thinking straight. However, I managed to get my act together, change my test location, and fly over to be with my family for his funeral. I broke down as I went home and saw my grandmother sitting in my grandfather's leather chair.
It was the 3 weeks I spent in Vancouver that changed me. Being used to living away from family, being with family after so much has happened was like rain after a long harsh draught. I saw grandpa resting peacefully before he was cremated and it gave me peace, even though it still hurt to lose him. Everyone coming together in a difficult time gave me the strength to be the stronger person. And because my grandmother needed me more, I needed to get back up. So in a way, I've been blessed. I thank my grandpa for it, and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.
So after 2 months of completely blocking out having infertility treatments from my mind (almost completely... I still do the I-wish-that-was-my-baby-thing whenever I see a lady with a stroller), we've finally went in for a consultation with a new clinic - Mount Sinai. I was nervous, excited, ready to vomit. But despite the anxiety, I mustered up enough strength to actually go to my consultation.
Despite my worst fears, the doctor did not say that I had zero chance of getting pregnant or that I should consider egg donors, but she was willing to investigate the extent of my poor ovarian reserve and maybe try a new protocol. I was also worried about a fluid-filled tube and she was very proactive about it and is also investigating the problem. She ordered AMH to be tested and a second u/s to investigate my tubes. She does believe that my endometriosis is the main cause of my poor egg quality, but thinks that maybe drug dosage and the amount of HSG given to me at trigger also had something to do with my poor egg quality/low number of mature eggs retrieved. She gave me options about what to do with my hydrosalphix and depending on the results of my AMH test, she has a couple of plans of action in mind.
Sounds promising... but I'm not sure what to think of all this. Getting back on the roller coaster is definitely hard but having to live with the fact that I will be child-less for the rest of my life is harder. After my last failure, I was SURE that I wouldn't be ready to try another cycle until next year or perhaps never... I am also booked for a first consultation at yet another clinic, Hannam Fertility, for late August. So until I get my test results and meet with another doctor for a second (third?) opinion... I will settle with being conservatively optimistic!
