The end and heartbreak

Last week, waiting for a my second beta was the longest and hardest week I had to go through. December 28 was the end of our journey and the hardest day in my 27 years of exsistance. Fate was unbelievably cruel to me.

The digital home pregnancy test I took the morning of December 28th told me that I was in fact pregnant, which I knew already but I questioned the viability of my pregnancy with a low first beta of 11. But when the words "2-3 weeks"(since conception) appeared in the window of that HPT, I couldn't find the words to describe how happy I was. It felt like that yes, there was a huge chance that this pregnancy may in fact work out! In 6 days, my Hcg went from 11 to above 200 (if in fact the digital was correct) and that put me right back on track to where I'm suppose to me. Yes, my levels were still low, but it gave me a lot of hope. I ran in the bedroom to tell my husband the wonderful news and I was so happy I could cry. I know it didn't mean anything concrete, my number were not official, but it was a ray of hope from heaven. I was on cloud 9. I could now believe that I was 5 weeks pregnant.

That afternoon, my whole world shattered. It shattered so quickly. After doing some casual grocery shopping. We were on our way home in the car. I was thirsty and decided to take a sip of water. Accidentally choking on the water, I began to violently choke and cough for a couple of minutes. I didn't think anything of it at first but after about 5 minutes, my stomach began to feel strange, and before I knew it, I felt something gushing down. When we got home and out of the car, I stood up and I felt it. I knew it was blood and things didn't look good. As we walked towards the elevator, the bleeding became heavier and it soaked through my pants and dripped as I walked to my apartment. I was so scared.

We took a trip to the ER and of course, I was still bleeding. When the nurse asked me what was the matter, I said "I'm pregnant and I'm bleeding" and that was when it hit me. This was the end. I broke down.

We waited for a few hours, they took blood and examined me. When I looked in the toilet bowl after my trips to the bathroom as I was waiting, it was bright red and looked like a crime scene. My beta that night was 324. What a great number it would have been. The doctor sent me home and referred me to an early pregnancy clinic to do an ultrasound. I was only 5 weeks (and some) along and I guess they didn't bother to do an ultrasound. I went home feeling shattered and shocked that my world had went from wonderful to hell in the blink of an eye.

The bleeding continued the next day on the day of my scheduled beta test at my clinic. I told the nurse what happened and she wasn't optimistic. I'm at risk for ectopic pregnancy. My beta the day after the bleeding incident was only 157. The baby is definitely gone. The nurse still felt that I needed to be checked on again so my next appointment will be Jan 3rd for bloodwork and an ultrasound.

So was this a miscarriage? Could it be an ectopic pregnancy? If they don't see anything on the ultrasound, would "they" label this as a chemical pregnancy since nothing was ever seen on the screen?

I felt so connected to the would-be baby. I felt a new life was growing inside me and I thought I would get to be a mother. I guess I was too optimistic too soon and those positive pregnancy tests certainly didn't help. Is it alright to grieve? Am I crazy for feeling so crushed as I am?

My heart goes out to everyone who had a miscarriage. I understand that the further along the pregnancy, the harder the miscarriage will be. I can not begin to imagine how those that lost their angel after seeing it on the screen must have felt. But I'm also hurting and grieving, I hope that's alright.

I hope that this is over and done with quickly. I hope this doesn't turn out to be ectopic and no further intervention will be needed. But every trip to the bathroom just reminds me that I couldn't keep my would-be baby. What do I do now?