New normal

I can't remember the last time I felt normal and whole. How do I stop myself from thinking about babies and fertility treatments? IF has consumed so much of my life that I've stopped living it for anything else. How do I stop thinking about something that is that such a big part of who I am? How do I accept it and let go?

The life increments between cycles are the hardest. Waiting itself takes a toll on me. You're past the breaking down stage of your past failures. You see the tiniest glimmer of hope in your future, but uncertainty weighs down on it. You want to have a mini-breakdown sometimes, yet, there seem to be no cause for one. You check your calendar everyday, waiting for your next appointment. You count down the days until "the" cycle. You look at yourself in the mirror and try to envision a pregnant you. Force yourself to believe that, yes, this is what you will look like. It will happen for you. It will. For a split second, you feel the connection with your unborn, unfertilized, uncreated baby as your hands touch your belly, but reality drags you back...

This is me. This is who I am, my new normal.